Psycho Therapy
by Shadowsonic137
Summary: Little to do with the title. Alucard is in a strange mood and Seras has no idea as to what is going on. What could Alucard be suffering from? Could it be...! Rated for strong language and sexual references.
1. Order 1: Onset

Alright, this story idea has just recently been running around my head over and over again. I have to work it out onto paper or I doubt I'll ever stop thinking about it. Note 1: This will be my first attempt at two stories running at the same time, so my usual weekly updates may be a little skewed.

Note 2: This is a bit of blended story, based on the manga Alucard and characters who, (even though I still like them,) could kick the anime characters' asses. However it mostly follows the anime's storyline.

* * *

Day 1: Onset

Alucard absent-mindedly wandered through the murky, ghoul-infested sewers as Seras worked to keep up, keep alive, and blast the ghouls out of her way. _'Sometimes,'_ Seras thought to herself, _'This job really sucks.'_ Alucard opened his mouth and yawned, revealing the rows of shiny razor teeth set in his mouth.

"Police Girl, quit lagging behind." Alucard said sharply. "We are almost to the target." The target being a large group of Millennium's Freaks that (according to Hellsing Intel,) were in the process of carrying a large bomb, to be placed under the Queen's residence.

A moaning ghoul stepped into Alucard's path. The vampire shoved it aside. The ghoul attempted to bite Alucard's arm. "Watch out, Master!" Seras blew the legs off of the attacking ghoul, but this act only seemed to irritate her Master. "Damn it, Police Girl!" Seras flinched. "How many times must I remind you to aim for the heart or the head!" Alucard snapped.

"S, sorry Master…" Sera mumbled. Alucard crushed the ghoul under his heel. "Hmpf." Alucard grunted. "Stop your sniveling, we're close now." They had left the ghouls behind and had entered an area of the sewer that had many large tunnels branching outward, connecting to other branches, and branches upon those, to reach all parts of the city.

"Which way do you think they went?" Seras asked. Instantly Alucard pointed down a long winding path. "How can you tell?" But then Seras noticed the long claw marks across the walls. "Oh," she said, feeling rather foolish, "never mind then…"

As they walked, Alucard ran his fingers along the marks. "Looks like they've got themselves a werewolf. Those are pretty rare these days." Alucard said aloud, but to no particular person other than himself.

The radio sounded on Seras' hip, she strapped the Harkonnen to her back and answered the radio. "Alucard! Seras! What is taking you two so long!" Integra's voice thundered through the handheld. "Those damned Freaks should almost be to the Queen by now! Hurry it up!"

Seras sighed and clipped the radio back to her hip. Alucard was looking back at her expectantly. "Yes, Master?"

"Did you not hear Sir Integra?" Alucard asked. "The Freaks are just up ahead. Run along now and catch them."

"Alone, sir?" Seras asked worriedly.

"Are you questioning _my_ orders Police Girl?"

"No, Master, my mistake." She said quickly. She un-slung her Harkonnen and ran forward. "I'll get there eventually." Alucard called after her. She ran seven minutes and rounded a bend in the tunnel. She was greeted by 15 Freaks all armed with machine guns, and five of them carrying an unsettling large payload of the explosive C4. Along with the Freaks were another 10 ghouls and an unmistakable werewolf in true form. (Besides the fur, claws and fangs, it is usually the ears that give them away.)

She was spotted, and soon all guns were aimed at her heart. _'Perhaps,'_ Seras thought as she raised her cannon, _'This entire day just feels like being sucky._' She fired off a shot that took three ghouls through the chest, before diving for cover.

She rolled through the rancid sewage and returned to her feet, with the Harkonnen reloaded. She fired again, blowing the head off of an oncoming Freak, but now had no time to reload. The Freaks had her pinned down from the rapid-fire, but the ghouls were surging toward her now. Grabbing at her, clawing, tearing at her uniform…. "Enough of this." Commanded her Master's voice.

Seras recognized one gunshot above the others, the distinctive blast from the Casull. Seras' ghoul problem was instantly solved, as they were suddenly blown to away, along with everyone else. Including Seras. She was hurled into the tunnel wall, as fire spread throughout the passage.

Through the flame, Seras could see rubble falling all around her. And somehow, though surrounded by chaos, Seras' mind found the undeniable truth. Alucard had deliberately shot the C4.

Her Master stepped over the dying flames and hauled Seras to her feet. "See that Police Girl? One shot and we're almost done. Just-like-that." Alucard snapped his fingers.

Her vision swam, and her head was throbbing, but Seras was compelled to ask the question; "_Almost_, Master?" Alucard turned to look at the wreckage. Freak body parts were strewn all over what was left of the walls and ceiling, and, Seras couldn't be sure through the hazy state her mind was in, but she could have sworn the rubble was shifting on its own.

"You'll find," Alucard said to her, "when you come across one, that werewolves are extremely stubborn creatures. In their true form, only decapitating the bastards work or, a silver bullet to a vital area."

The debris shifted again, before the werewolf erupted from it, roaring. "And I happen to have some in stock." Alucard continued. The werewolf was charging them now. Alucard raised the Jackal. "Observe." The werewolf leapt, and the bullet caught it right between the eyes, literally blowing its brains out. Seras could see the pieces of gray matter falling into the sewage.

"Lovely." Seras said with a disgusted frown.

* * *

When they resurfaced, into fresh air and onto the streets, they immediately took notice of Integra striding toward them.

She did not look pleased.

In fact, the woman was livid. Her face was red, and even from a distance a muscle in her jaw worked itself. "A-lu-card…!" she breathed through clenched teeth, she seemed to be on the brink of losing control. "Do you realize what you've done!" she screamed. "An entire city block, gone! Cars flying everywhere, sewage and fire blasting through the man holes!" Integra broke off and raised both hands to her temples.

"Why, why, why do you do this to me? Damn it Alucard! Hellsing is this close-" she made her fingers a centimeter apart, "-from being seized by the Royal government, _again_. And you blow up the sewers! Damn it all! Do you realize that the only reason we are even allowed to continue operation is because the Freaks got so bad in our absence that they had no choice!"

A young man came running to them. "Sir Integra! The police chief would like to have a word with you!"

Integra nodded and vaguely waved him away. "Alucard," she said dropping her voice so that only Seras and Alucard would hear, "we know you had your fun with Incognito, but you must control yourself! The both of you are to immediately return to your quarters." Integra returned her normal voice. "We _will_ resume this conversation later." She added firmly.

Alucard said nothing as Integra walked away to deal with the chief, instead he quietly faded away, probably already in his chambers. Seras, on the other hand could not as of yet teleport from place to place and was forced to take a ride with the rest of the troop.

Several hours later, in the Hellsing Manor, Seras was making her way down to her room, looking forward to blissful sleep after the tongue-lashing herself and Alucard had received. "Oh, Alucaarrrddd…." Came Integra's falsely sweet voice, "I've got a job for yoouu…." Despite her best efforts, Seras' curiosity got the better of her, she tiptoed to the door of Integra's room, she could easily make out the voices inside.

"Yes, Master." came Alucard's deep voice. "Did you need me for something?"

"Why, yes Alucard I did." Integra answered. "My toilet isn't flushing properly."

"You're point being..?"

"Well, since it is your fault that the sewers and plumbing are out of whack, I'd like you to fix it."

"Fix it? I am a vampire, not a plumber, Master" Alucard slid the 'Master' in just at the last second, so as to not visibly show disrespect, but he knew it would be picked up that way at any rate.

Integra's tone became dark, "I'd like to see you try anyway, servant, so go ahead and give it a shot."

"As you command my Master." From within the room, three loud cracks were heard. Seras burst in at the sound of the gunshots, and was drenched by water. The toilet had been blown apart, and there stood Alucard in front of it, Jackal aimed at where the seat should have been.

* * *

Review. 


	2. Diagnosis

Little note: the "day" at the beginning of the last chapter, was supposed to be "Order"...It was late.

* * *

Order 1.2: Diagnosis 

Seras didn't believe she had ever heard Integra scream that loud. As she laid in her coffin, trying to sleep, snippets of the "conversation" between her and Alucard echoed in her head.

"JUST WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN!" Integra screamed at the crimson-eyed man before her.

"DON'T YOU YELL AT ME! YOU'RE THE AIRHEAD BLONDE WHO TOLD ME TO GIVE IT A SHOT!"

"DO NOT GIVE ME THAT EXCUSE! YOU KNEW DAMN WELL WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID IT!"

Alucard laughed at her. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT IF YOU DIDN'T SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!"

"If humans can understand Alucard, then you can understand! And humans can't even read minds!" Integra shouted, lowering the level of her voice slightly. It was a good thing too, she was using more air yelling than she had in her lungs. Too much longer and she would've passed out.

"I serve the Head of the Hellsing family and estate. Their unfortunate wishes are my commands. And YOU, TOLD ME to shoot your useless toilet!"

Integra let loose a scream of rage that seemed to echo through the entire mansion. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" she yelled, seizing her sword off its mount on the wall.

"As you WISH, MASTER!" Alucard fazed through the wall just as Integra's blade sliced the air where his neck had been. The main reason this conversation was so strange to Seras however, is that she had never heard Alucard talk back to Sir Integra, ever. Not to mention yell at her. The other reason was that this shouting match had taken place while the ruined toilet was still gushing water onto their heads.

Seras checked her watch, (it glowed in the dark….obviously) 4:30 a.m. and nearing daybreak. It was late, but she still could not get to sleep. Eventually, she sighed and pushed against the lid of her coffin.

She sat up wearily and jolted in fright when she saw a man-shaped shadow move toward her. She scrambled out of her coffin, tripped over the lip and ended up sprawled over the cold stone floor.

"Pathetic, Police Girl. I don't know what I was thinking when I turned you." Seras looked up at her Master who was leaning casually against the wall. "Night vision is something that even a freshly turned vampire can master."

"I forgot." Seras said, blushing. Alucard gave her an incredulous look. "You forgot? How can you forget how to see!"

Seras didn't answer the question. "Well you shouldn't scare people like that anyway." She told him. "I was trying to sleep." Alucard laughed. "Oh, I see." He said. "That would explain why you got out of your coffin. You were trying to sleep. That makes _perfect_ sense." He said sarcastically.

"I was having trouble getting to sleep. I thought perhaps some warm milk would help." Seras explained. Alucard snorted.

"That milk will only scorch your throat Police Girl. Along with all other forms of food and drink, until you drink blood regularly. So go heat some medical blood instead."

Seras ignored this fact as well. "What about you Master? You can't sleep either?"

"I sleep whenever I feel like it!" Alucard snapped at her suddenly. "I can go weeks without sleep and not feel a thing. The only reason I sleep is because its boring in-between nights."

Seras wasn't quiet sure what to say in response to this, so she just kept quiet. Eventually, she spoke again, feeling that it must be better to sit there, unable to sleep and talk, than to sit there, unable to sleep and have the most dangerous person she knew stare at you for no reason.

"So…did you know what Sir Integra meant?" Seras asked her Master.

"Of course I did. She wanted me to fix that damn machine of hers. As if I would stoop that low, even for my Master."

"But, aren't you bound to her orders?" Seras asked him, trying to understand. "To some degree, Police Girl. Like you are bound to me. However, the difference is, that the bindings that hold me are man-made, and though clever, powerful, and complex, they are imperfect, and fade slightly as every generation passes. And the spellcasters that captured me hadn't included the major variable in their calculations.

"What would that be Master?" Seras asked, her interest aroused.

"Pride, Police Girl. The vampiric pride that courses through every true vampires' veins. These new Freaks could never compare to the ancient power that their human masters had hoped to harness. And that Police Girl is the same power that stopped me from accepting that ridiculous order. '_Fix the toilet…_' Woman must be smoking something…."

"Are you sure that was it?" Seras asked timidly. "I mean, you've been acting rather strange recently Master. Rather irritable really."

"Who's irritable? Alucard asked angrily.

"No one, Master. You must have been hearing things."

Alucard nodded. "Right, right…hearing things. Must be." Alucard's face twisted into a puzzled frown. "Are you alright, Master?"

"Yes, Police Girl….It's just when I usually hear things, they tell me to burn or destroy…I wonder why they would change their mind? They've never let me down before…." Seras was slowly making her way to the door, frightened. "Tell me, Police Girl, do you think I'm irritable?" Alucard asked her, puzzled expression still apparent.

"N, never, Master…."

Alucard looked at her, eyebrow raised. "You look frightened Police Girl. Did something scare you?" Seras vigorously shook her head, not trusting her voice. Alucard shrugged, and ended their conversation by turning and walking through the wall.

Seras noticed that her eye was beginning to twitch.

* * *

Seras did not manage to get to sleep all night, but at 2:00 p.m. she was just beginning to doze off when her troop was summoned by Integra. '_That woman has got some of the worst timing…!'_ Seras thought bitterly. 

She changed into her uniform and strapped the Harkonnen to her back. The team assembled before Sir Hellsing within 2 minutes. She began the debriefing. "A local high school has been taken captured by a large group of Millennium's Freak vampires. The school was hit before the students were let out, so Millennium has plenty of hostages to hold over our heads.

"We have yet to understand why they would choose such a meaningless target, and they have yet to ask for any ransom, but it matters not." Integra's eyes narrowed. "We do not negotiate with terrorists. A massive thunderstorm has been predicted and cloud cover is dense. This is the reason the Freaks can move during these daylight hours. The objective is to clear the school of all the Freaks with as little human casualties as possible. If the sky gets dark, and the storm takes place before the mission is complete, then the Freaks will have a much easier time escaping. Don't allow this to happen. Understood?"

Seras' troop saluted. "Sir, yes sir!" Integra nodded. "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Move out!"

The troop filed past Seras and out to the assault vehicles. Seras paused by Integra. "What of Master Alucard?" Seras asked. "We'll discuss him later, Seras, but at the moment, it doesn't look as if we'll need Alucard for this job. Go join your troop Seras, they will need _you._"

* * *

The ride from Hellsing headquarters to the school didn't take long. They formed ranks outside the school's front doors. There were a collection of 60 men, not including the three squad leaders, commander Pip Bernadette, and Seras. The leaders took their positions at the front of their respective squads and Pip (holding a flyer for the school) began issuing orders. "Al'ight zen," Pip began in his implacable accent, (most times it was French, mixed with a little Australian occasionally, and he still managed to have some British underlying it all.)

"'Elcome mates, to ze Winchester Regional High. Ery'ody make sure zat you're radio frequencies are set. After securing your assigned area, report back and hold your position…… Am I forgetting anyzing…? Oh! Right, does everyone have zeir flyers?"

There was a great deal of ruffling as everyone checked their equipment for their flyers. "Uh, sir!" Came a voice in the middle row. "I lost my flyer!" Pip slapped his forehead. "Where in ze hell were you zuring ze briefing!" Pip yelled at the soldier. "I made sure they were handed out! You, what is you're name!"

"Its Johnny, sir!"

"Johnny! You are now in Squad 4! Got zat!"

"Yessir! But the flyer…?"

"Ah, right. Er…Just look off of someone else's for now!" Pip shook his head and rubbed at his eye-patch.

" We'll be dividing into four main groups." Pip continued, "Squadron numero un (one) shall be taking le 'est wing. Twenty men." Squad 1 (each man with a school flyer as to not get lost) entered the building.

"Squad deux (two) shall be taking the East wing. Twenty men." The second squad mimicked the first, however they entered and went the opposite way. "Squad three, check the basements, the least amount of ground to cover, so take ten men."

"The rest o' you lot! Squad 4! You're with me and Agent Seras! We take the second floor. Let's move!"

Pip, Seras, the rest of squad four and Johnny slowly crept into the building. Already they could hear gunfire from one or more of the other squads, but they ignored them, found a staircase and made their way to the second floor. "Agent Seras," Pip whispered, "Do you want ze 'est wing or ze East?"

"You're sending me alone?" Seras asked.

"You're ze Alucard's fledgeling are you not? You'll be fine. I'll take these ten and secure the other end." Seras reluctantly nodded.

Seras chose the East wing and watched squad 4 as they left her, Johnny taking up the rear. She sighed and her ears picked up the deep rumbling of a far-off thunderclap. The storm was making its way toward them.

Seras took her Harkonnen from her back and slowly made her way down the East wing corridor. The first several classrooms were empty, although there were signs of struggle. But before long three Freaks tried to ambush her by sneaking in from behind.

Seras had sensed their movements for some time, and they did not catch her off guard. She spun on her heel, swinging her cannon into the jaw of one of the Freaks. It smashed into the wall, and laid still, blood trickling from its head. The other two now kept their distance, guns raised.

Seras did a one-handed cartwheel to dodge the first stream of bullets the Freaks released. In the middle of the cartwheel, while she was still upside down, she fired the Harkonnen.

She didn't need to see the bullet connect, she knew that her aim had been true. Seras could hear her Master's voice in her head from his training; _'Visualize the target, know where the bullet will enter, and where it will exit. You are a vampire now Seras , the most powerful creature on this planet. You shouldn't ever miss again. Especially not with that big-ass thing you carry around….'_

One Freak down, two to go. A bullet grazed her thigh and she looked behind her. Make that five to go. Three more Freaks had appeared behind her, in a diagonal line. Seras was now caught in a crossfire with no cover. She felt another two bullets slam into her back, and one from the front into the fleshy part of her upper-arm.

As the tension mounted, Seras felt her conscious pull away, and the beast within surfaced. Seras' pupils narrowed, and a deep guttural growl grew in her throat. She was no longer in control. As though watching a movie, she watched herself pull the survival knife from its sheath on her belt.

With her left hand, she flicked it toward the original Freak she had hit with her Harkonnen. The knife caught it between the eyes. At the same time, she blasted the other Freak from the original group with the cannon.

Seras turned, and began to reload the Harkonnen. The remaining Freaks were scared now, their accuracy was lowered, their training soon meant nothing in Seras' wake. She snapped the Harkonnen closed, reload complete. The Freaks turned tail and ran, but she wasn't going to let them escape.

She analyzed the variables and degrees in the split-second it took for her to raise her anti-tank rifle. She fired, knowing without a doubt as to what the outcome would be. The bullet ricocheted twice, once off a wall and another off the floor. In the rebound up, it got all three Freaks, two in the chest and still had enough momentum to blow the skull off the last one.

Seras regained some control over herself and inspected her injuries. Her body had pushed the bullets out and already had the wounds scabbed over. "Looks like our data was incomplete, you are much stronger than I had expected."

Seras looked up, a lone Millennium operative stood in the hallway before her, holding a crying teenage girl as a human shield. And even though it wasn't transformed, Seras could tell it was another werewolf. (I'm telling you...its the ears!)

She leveled the Harkonnen, at its heart. It just gripped the girl harder by the throat and moved her over its heart in protection. "You Millennium people make me sick, all you care about is destruction. You fight for no reason at all!"

"So does your Master!" The werewolf shot back.

"Yeah, but at least he doesn't hide behind little girls!" Seras yelled.

"Doesn't he? Why are you here instead of he? Didn't want to get his hands dirty I suppose?" The werewolf gave a barking laugh, but stopped short as the air grew suddenly colder.

"She's here because my Master ordered it." Alucard said, walking slowly toward the werewolf. "And I'm here because an annoying mutt won't shut its mouth." He raised his guns. "You can drop the girl, mutt. Now that you're caught on both sides, there's no way you're going to make it out alive. And I'd just like you to know," Alucard brought the cocked the hammer on each gun. "You caught me on a really bad day."

The werewolf roared, suddenly in true form and tossed the girl aside, instead lunging for Seras. She fired off two shots from the Harkonnen, but they seemed to just glance off the werewolf's skin, leaving only small drops of dark blood on the floor. It leapt, and came down on its stomach, dead.

"_Silver_ bullets Police girl," Alucard said, smoke rising from the ends of the Casull and Jackal, "Only when you're a full-fledged vampire will you be able to handle werewolves without them."

"What about the other Freaks?"

"I wouldn't worry about them."

* * *

Seras entered the study of Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing at 10:00 p.m.. Pip and Walter were already seated and Integra was looking outside as the rain lashed at the windows, the storm had arrived an hour ago. 

"Seras Victoria. I have summoned you here today to help me come to a conclusion."

"Anyway I can help." Seras said nervously.

"It's about your Master, Alucard. Seras tell me, has he been acting strange recently?" At first, Seras thought this was a trick question, but they were all looking at her expectantly. "Stranger than normal? Well, he's stopped smiling like he used to, though I'm not sure that's a bad thing. And he seems to be very easily irritated nowadays. He'll get angry at you suddenly, even if he was talking normally a second before."

"Hmm….Walter, go get the notes filed under Code Red Period." Integra ordered. Walter grew rather pale. "Miss Integra, you don't think…!" Integra nodded. "I fear so Walter. Go retrieve the files."

"I don't get it, sir Integra, what are you and Walter so worried about?" Seras asked. "Yes, I would much like to know zis myself." Pip seconded.

"I'll explain when Walter returns." After a few minutes, the butler did just that, and placed a slim folder filled with parchment and paper of varying ages on Integra's desk. She opened it, the writing looked like notes. She flipped a few pages, then snapped the folder shut.

"I'm sure of it now, Walter, Alucard's behavior, is a direct result from PMS!

Thunder boomed and lightning streaked across the sky.

* * *

Guys, trust me for one more chapter, and I swear all will be made clear. 

Review.


	3. PMS

Yeah…, I think I'm going to be raising the rating to "M" from here on out. I predict that things will either get really violent, or the language will get rather "enhanced" as Spongebob would say. I hate that show….

* * *

"PMS?" Seras asked, trying to hold back the laughter that was building up inside her. "How could Master have PMS! He's a guy! You guys really had me going for a second there…!"

"No, Seras. We aren't talking about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. And we're dead serious." Seras' smile started to fade at the look on Integra's face. "Perhaps, it would be best if we explain things to these two first." Walter said, indicating Seras and Pip.

Integra nodded. "Yes, yes, of course Walter." Integra spun the files on her desk, and pushed them closer to Pip and Seras. "These are notes from former heads of Hellsing, notes concerning Alucard's actions and behavior. The area we are focusing on at the moment have come to be known as the Pre-Massacre Syndrome, or PMS. We understand how you'd be confused.

"Now, this period of time has been recorded by most of the more recent heads of Hellsing, dating back about 200 years. The information documented by each Head varies slightly, however they each have the same basic principles. So far, this mood befalls Alucard randomly, you can check yourself."

Pip picked up the notes and began shuffling through them. Seras caught the dates. 1823, 1861, a large leap to 1907, 1960 -- "And now its our turn." Integra continued. "As previously said, the notes are slightly different each time, and yet we've still been able to create a basic pattern. There are more or less three main stages.Stage one, the Onset."

"The symptoms are; unusually high irritation, unruliness, needless destruction of property, and strange sleeping habits….Which reminds me, Seras. Has Alucard visited you or done anything else strange during his usual sleeping hours?"

Seras remembered their little talk this morning. She swallowed and nodded, feeling uneasy, but still not entirely sure why Walter and Integra looked so ashen. "And the final symptom of stage 1 is that he tends to prank random people, some of these are rather cruel."

"'Zere seems to be much randomness involved withzis Alucard." Pip pointed out. "Yes." Integra said. "That's part of the problem, his action's become steadily more and more unpredictable as this wears on." Integra paused for a moment. "I believe I'll let Walter explain the second stage. He was under the employ of Hellsing during the 1960's and had a first-hand experience with this."

"Right then," Walter said, stepping forward and snapping his heels. "In Stage two, Alucard becomes very docile, and will only talk to people he trusts, otherwise he shuts himself in his room. This is the reason you were called. We four are the ones who are in most contact with Alucard, and we must be especially careful at this time."

This brought Seras back down to earth, she had been having much trouble imagining her Master as "docile". "And then there's stage three." Integra picked up. "We know very little about this except that it is the shortest stage, the final stage, and it has always ended extremely violently."

"Sir Integra," Seras spoke up, "why is it called the 'Massacre' syndrome?" Integra paused for a moment, and in that time, Seras could hear a faint thumping that wasn't caused by the ongoing storm.

"I just told you, this has ended, and probably will end again, very violently. That is why it is called the 'Massacre'." Integra said quickly, as though trying to make up for lost time.

"But enough of that. The PMS is only part of the reason you were summoned here. Seras, I believe that you reported seeing yet another werewolf?"

* * *

Seras wandered through the halls, but stopped when she heard a weather report drifting to her from an ajar door. "_That's right Tom, it'll be cold this Christmas eve. A low of 20 degrees Fahrenheit, and a high of 32, right on the freezing level. We'll also be expecting some snow flurries…"_

Seras could have kicked herself. How could she have forgotten Christmas! It was one of the best times in the year! Presents, songs, holiday cheer, presents! She hurried down to her room and checked her calendar. One week away from the 25th. '_Oh no!'_ Seras suddenly realized, _'I haven't done any shopping!'_ She ran back up to the first floor so she could get a glimpse of the outside. The previous night's rain had left the roads wet, but the skies remained cloudy, suggesting another rain before they were done.

She found Walter on the stairs and asked to borrow one of the many cars that belonged to the Hellsing estate. He recommended a sporty, deep blue vehicle and watched her drive away.

'_But what to get Master Alucard!'_ She wondered as she left the gates.

* * *

Alucard sensed his fledgling depart, but didn't bother to pursue the question of where she was going. He slowly rose from his chair and phased through his door, out into the hallway. He did not yet know where he was going, or why, but he assumed he'd know when he got there.

He eventually made his way to the gun course, stayed for about half an hour, working on his already perfect accuracy, before making his way to the front door. Pip was walking from the kitchen with a toasted bagel in his mouth as he saw the vampire walking toward the door.

Pip quickly scanned the area for anyone he could order to stop and question Alucard, but nobody was in sight. _'I've got ze worst luck.'_ Pip forced himself to a few feet behind Alucard. "Alucard, sir. Where are you going at zis time of day?" Pip asked, though extremely wary of the tall nosferatu, this question ignited his curiosity. Where _was_ Alucard going?

Alucard didn't turn, but did pause mid-stride. "I don't have to explain myself to you." He said harshly. Pip stood his ground, trying his best to keep from shaking. "Its just zat, doesn't Miss Integra allow you permission off ze grounds?"

"The front yard is beyond these doors, they are part of the grounds." Alucard said back.

"You plan on staying in ze front yard?"

"No"

Pip hadn't expected Alucard to be so honest about his intention to disobey Integra, and his mind could not come up with an adequate response to this. "What I plan on doing, Captain, is to go out and explore London. I plan on being out for the entire day. And _you, _since you care so much are going to take me."

Pip stared blankly at Alucard's back. "_Me_?" He asked, pointing to himself as if he did not understand, "You want _me_ to…give _you_ a tour?"

"Go get the car."

Pip couldn't see a way out of this one, and he slowly went to select a car from the garage. "The Mercedes!" He heard Alucard call after him. Pip shook his head unbelievingly. _'I have ze _**worst**_ luck.'_

* * *

"Walter!" Integra called. Instantly, the faithful butler was at her side. "Where is captain Pip, and Seras?"

"I believe Seras has gone out for holiday shopping." Walter said, "And the Captain is nowhere to be found in the mansion, or the troop barracks." Integra turned the information over in her head, eventually coming to the conclusion that Seras could do no harm in public. She had enough sense. Now, _Alucard_, he would have been a different matter altogether. She shuddered at the thought of him driving through London.

"Did you want them for something important, Miss Integra? Unearthed more information on Alucard perhaps? I could have them called back." Walter told her. Integra waved her hand dismissively.

"It can wait until they return Walter. Its just that Seras has reported meeting two werewolves within 48 hours time. That being said, werewolves are supposedly very rare in these times, in fact, almost extinct. I believe Millenium may be up to something. Have the teenagers from that school been checked yet?"

" All present and accounted for, Sir Integra. However, several students returned to their homes with tattoos found at the back of the neck, that their family members did not recognize, or authorize for that matter."

"What was it?"

" Millenium's swastika symbol. We are plan on monitoring the students with these symbols, but as of right now, there have been no abnormalities or strange events about them."

Integra reached for a cigar and lit it, clamping it firmly I her mouth. "What could this mean Walter? Or does it mean anything? Perhaps it was some twisted joke?" Integra fell silent, deep in thought. "Do you have a number count for those who have the tattoo?"

"We missed a few, originally believing it was just coincidence, but after more and more started showing up in the same place, we started to wonder. Not counting the small number we missed, approximately 100 students."

"I want them all watched very closely, Walter. I don't like this…not at all."

"As you command, Sir Integra." Walter bowed, and upon returning to full height, gave the security camera screens in the corner of the office a passing glance. "Oh, dear."

"What is it Walter?" Integra asked looking up.

"You may want to have a look at this." Walter pointed at one of the screens overlooking the front gate. Pip was pulling away in a deep blue Mercedes, while next to him, Alucard was tapping his fingers on the outside of the passenger side door, and looking around with mild interest.

Integra's cigar slipped from her mouth.

* * *

Sorry I scared some of you last chapter. But now Alucard's problems are out in the open! What'd you think?

Review.


	4. Joyride

Thank you everyone for your positive reviews. Now, what mayhem will Alucard cause today?

* * *

"Alucard, sir." Pip began as he slowly turned into another street. He was hoping to be stopped soon by members of Hellsing and escorted back, but so far, there was nobody following him.

"What?" Alucard asked, tilting his chair back. Pip opened his mouth, but closed it, changing his mind at the last second. He had been about to ask if the vampire still wanted this tour, but decided it was no use.

"Is zere any place you wanted to see?" Pip asked instead, resigning himself to the task at hand. "A night-club. Take me to a good nightclub." Alucard said after a moment's worth of thinking. He slowly reached up and lower the brim of his hat to cover his eyes.

"But, sir."

"What now?"

"It's ze daytime. No nightclubs are even open at zis hour." Pip tried to explain. Alucard lifted his hat and fixed Pip with a crimson glare. "I said, that I wanted to go to a nightclub. Take me."

Pip mentally shrugged, giving up. "Of course sir. My mistake." Alucard repositioned his hat over his eyes. "Damn right.…"Pip cruised around, trying desperately to think of a club he had not yet received a restraining order from. This took well over an hour, but it didn't seem to matter, Alucard was snoring in the chair beside him.

Still, he didn't want him to wake up and _not_ be at a nightclub, so he resorted to stopping at a gas station and buying a list of all the closest hot spots. After crossing off the first ten (or twenty) from the list, he settled on a club that was only about another hour's drive away. It had a stupid name, (Party-Hardy!) and that was probably the reason that Pip had never paid a visit.

Alucard regained consciousness just as they were pulling into the deserted parking lot. Alucard stepped out of the car, and looked around bewilderedly. He turned to Pip. "Where the hell are we?"

"A night club sir, just as you requested." Pip told him, as confused as ever. Alucard surveyed the area one more time. "A nightclub? Why in the hell would I want to go to a nightclub!"

"I-I don't know" Pip stammered. Alucard rounded on him. "You're damn right you don't know! But I do. I wanted to go to a nightclub because I did!"

Pip pretended as if Alucard was making any sense. Slowly, Pip was beginning to believe in Integra's PMS story more and more. "If this is a nightclub," Alucard continued, "Where are the people? Why isn't there any music!"

"Sir, it-is-day-time." Pip stressed. Alucard gave him a sour look. "This place is crap." He said, climbing back into the car. Pip followed after him. "Well zen sir, where to now?" Pip asked, his apprehension giving way into annoyance.

"How 'bout a bar?"

* * *

Pip walked into a solid wall of cigarette smoke and the stench of alcohol as the doors to the Winchester pub closed behind him, sealing him inside with the psychopath he called 'sir'.

_'I cannot believe zis. Ze great nosferatu Alucard, in an old English pub and suffering from what is surprisingly like the original PMS.'_ Alucard wandered around the bar. _'…Oh shit, I'm going to die aren't I?'_ Pip sat down, sweating heavily and his eye kept darting around for dark omens. The bartender looked over. "You want a drink pal?"

"Several." Pip said quickly, loosening the neck of his shirt. "And make it fast, eh? I'll be needing them." He told him, watching Alucard laugh with the bouncers by the door.

* * *

Seras was driving slowly through town, half of her holiday shopping completed, but she still needed a good present for Walter and Alucard. Seras had a sudden feeling that Walter would be very pleased with long, woolen, thermal socks.

So sure was she in this belief, she turned right around and headed to the closest JC Penny's she could find. As she made her way, she passed a large, handsome building where some kind of smoke seemed to be drifting under the door.

She pulled over to the side of the road. One car had Hellsing plates on it. She sensed the presence of her Master within the building, and read the wooden sign above the front doors. "Winchester". Immediately she knew it was a pub, the picture of a crossed beer bottle and a foaming mug sort of gave it away. And then, slowly, her mind clicked as it put two and two together.

The Winchester was a pub.

Her Master was inside it.

Her eyes widened so much it looked painful. "Oh dear god…….Oh, no." Her eye was twitching again and she shivered in the cooling air. Night was falling. She forced herself to park the car and enter the pub, somehow managing to resist the urge to runfar, far, away screaming her head off.

When she entered, she spotted her master immediately. He was talking rather loudly, mostly complaints about something or another, and spilling beer all over the counter top. Seras approached slowly.

"You know Pip, el captain!" Alucard started laughing. "I really, really love beeeerrr….." He said, his words slurring. "But that blonde! What's 'er-name? She won't even let me drink anymo'! That Hellsing…can be so-,sooo-"

"Pushy?" Pip asked, a little flushed himself.

"Bitchy." Alucard corrected. "Yeessss. That's the word I vas lookin' for. Bitchy! Like she's Queen of England. Queen of the WORLD! She won't let me get drunk anymore. All because of one little incident when I met the last Queen and she insulted me! Called me a bloodsucking fiend! ME!"

"You're sloshed aren't you?" Pip asked. Alucard continued as though he didn't hear him.

"Well, this was Integra's first time meeting a Queen and it was during a ball and everything. I had had some drinks, it had been twenty years since I had a drink of anything, and I deserved one I thought.…one thing led to another." Alucard broke off and took a long swig from his bottle of scotch.

"No, no," Pip said, waging his finger. "You started this, now you have to finish it! Tell us what happened."

Seras just now noticed two bouncers on the other side of Alucard listening in. She edged closer. "Well," Alucard resumed, "I went right up to that woman's face and I put my middle finger an inch away from her bulbous nose and took her to go fuck off!" Pip snorted into her glass and the bouncers roared with laughter.

"Needless to say, old Queenie was not very happy. Called me some more names and ordered her guards to 'escort' Integra and I outside. Now, I'm not sure that you know…"Alucard said, pouring his liquor into a glass, "But the Queen was a heavy smoker. She also used a lot of hair gel. I hadn't realized this. And it was very lucky that the Casull hadn't been made yet or I might've shot her by accident. But, I was too drunk to focus so I simply ripped the cigarette from her mouth and buried it in her hair."

"A second later and the whole thing was aflame. They put her out quickly, and Integra just barely made it out more or less unscathed because the King had been laughing so hard. And besides, what were they going to do? Shoot me? HA!" Alucard reached for his glass, but the bartender got to it first.

"I think you've had enough buddy."

"If you want to keep your head on your shoulders, then you'll get off my glass." The bartender backed off, as Alucard's eyes rolled over in his head. "That's what I thought….be-a-tch!"

"Master?"

Pip whirled around, and ended up falling off of the barstool. "What do you want Police Girl?" Alucard asked, taking Pip's advice and turning slowly.

"I think we should get you home, Master." Seras told him firmly. Alucard stared at her for a moment before laughing again. His face was about as red as the coat he loved so much. "Look at you Police Girl! Taking charge. That's something new."

Seras frowned at him, but he didn't notice. "Look, Police Girl, I'm out here, and enjoying myself. I'm not done either. So, unless you have the strength to take me home by force, (which you don't,) then I'm staying right here!" With that, Alucard fell to the floor face-down, passed-out.

"Put 'im in my car girlie, I'll drive him." Pip attempted to stand, but only slid back down to the floor again. "Just gimme a sec." Seras raised a hand to her temple. Five minutes later, Pip managed to get up, and stay on his feet for more than five seconds at a time. Together, Seras and Pip carried Alucard out of the Winchester and placed him in the Mercedes.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Seras asked the captain. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fiiinnne…"He said with a hic at the end. Not the most reassuring. Seras shook her head and walked back to her car.

Pip started the engine, and pulled away from the Winchester. The bouncers were waving good-bye. Pip gave them a quick salute, but as they got about a block away, he felt cold metal pressed firmly into the back of his head.

"Drive" said the voice from the back. Pip put his foot on the gas and continued, trying to keep his calm. He checked his watch. It was nearing midnight. _'Time flies vhen your having fun….'_ Pip thought to himself. _'How the hell do I keep getting into zese situations?'_ He asked silently, the alcohol-induced haze beginning to clear. _'I-have-ze-**worst**-luck!' _

Beside him, Alucard started mumbling in his sleep. " A hundred and one number of Freaks down the hall…ya' pick one out, blast it about, 100 number of Freaks down the hall……."

"What's wrong with him?" The carjacker asked, waving his gun toward Alucard. Pip shrugged in the front seat. "I have no idea how to explain" He said truthfully.

"Are you talkin' to me? You talking to me! You must be out of your mind!-"

"That guy is seriously drunk isn't he?" The carjacker asked with a laugh. "Look at him! He's hammered! Totally shit-faced man!"

"Watch your language…! Anderson…if you don't shut up…."

"Where are we going, man?" Pip asked their uninvited guest.

"Shut up, you don't speak unless spoken to!" The carjacker replied.

"…then I am soooo going to kick your ass…"

* * *

A few car lengths behind them, Seras was totally confused. "Where does he think he's going? I knew I shouldn't have let him drive." But then Seras saw part of the car move as it passed over a pothole. Alucard's door was sliding open, the seatbelt had been caught when it had been closed before. And what was worse, Alucard was now sliding out of the car.

It happened in a matter of seconds. Pip's car hit another bump, and Alucard's body flopped out of the car, hit the road, bounced and then was hit by Seras who was too slow in her attempt to stop. The momentum from her car punted Alucard far in front of Pip who had now pulled over to the side of the road.

Pip clambered out of the car and along with Seras, ran over to Alucard. "HOLY SHIT MAN! I AM NOT A PART OF THIS!" screamed a voice from within Pip's car. Seras turned to Pip, but he shook his head before she could speak.

"Don't bother." He said. Alucard, on the other hand, had reawakened and now was slowly crawling to his feet. "Where am I?" he asked. But two things soon became apparent. 1) The acohol was still in his system.

2) (For some unfathomable reason) He was once again in a bad mood. He was pissed off to put it lightly.

"Police Girl! Bernadette! Why are we standing in the road! And why is my head throbbing!" Alucard demanded.

"Oh-my-god….YOU SHOULD BE FREAKIN' DEAD MAN!" shouted the carjacker. Alucard looked back. "Shut up! Your voice is giving me a headache." Alucard turned back to Seras and Pip. "Which one of you hit me?"

"Th-this, This ain't natural man!" The carjacker stuttered. A flash of extreme anger passed over Alucard's face, and next thing anybody knew, he was pointing the Jackal straight at the Mercedes.

"Motherf&#-!You wannadie! Do you want to f'ing die tonight! Asshole, if you want to live to see tomorrow, then you'd better shut the hell up! Damn!" The carjacker said nothing in response now that a gun was aimed at him. Alucard turned back to Seras and Pip, gun still pointed in the other direction at the car. "Now, which one of you morons hit me!"

He pointed the Jackal at Pip, but as soon as he did, the Mercedes engine revved. Pip and Seras threw themselves to the side as the carjacker ran Alucard over. At least, he tried.

The Mercedes folded around Alucard's knees, and the carjacker slammed into the dashboard, moaning. Alucard voice rang out into the night."SON OF A-!" The carjacker looked up and escape from the car just as Alucard emptied a clip into it.

The resulting explosion could be heard for miles.

Pip and Seras were smart enough to be out of the way, but the would-be car thief was blown into a building wall, and knocked unconscious. Alucard emerged from the wreckage, unscathed, and looking slightly more relaxed.

Seras and Pip decided it was best to flee the scene as soon as possible, so they ushered Alucard into the backseats of Seras' car, where he could lay down slightly and tore out of there. (Seras driving)

Pip leaned back, laughing out of stress and shock. "What now?" He asked to no one. But from out of the back, Alucard's voice answered;

"Let's go to a nightclub"

* * *

Review. 


	5. Sobered Up

Volume 6 is out! But the weird thing was that I had a dream that it was out the night before, and thenI went to homeroom and it actually w_as_ out! So weird, ya?

* * *

Order 1.5: Sobered Up

Seras was quite sure what the most interesting part of that night was; her master actually getting to a nightclub, and clearing the dance floor with his moves to _"Thriller"_ made both Pip and Seras' jaws hit the floor..…Though, the scolding they all received from Sir Hellsing when they returned home was something to hear as well. Integra seemed to be doing a lot of yelling since this started.

However, after Integra was spent verbalizing her rage, she slumped in her armchair. "Is that all, Master?" Alucard asked, yawning and rotating a finger in his ear. Integra seemed to want to start screaming again, but apparently didn't have the strength for it.

"This morning, a call to the police was made. A teenage boy had been complaining about his neck all day, and then suddenly collapsed around 7 pm. We tried to contact you, but all attempts failed."

Pip looked sheepish-at 7 pm, they were in the bar and it was far too loud to hear a cell-phone. He vaguely wondered what Seras' excuse was. "What makes this so special?" Alucard asked.

"That one boy was not the only one to collapse today. Several similar calls to the police were made today, almost all concerning teenagers, and almost all of said teenagers were being monitored since Millennium's attack on that school. In a few hours time, you three and Walter will go to the hospital at which many of this kids are staying, and check them."

"Why am I involved in this?" Alucard asked.

"What do you mean, Alucard?" Integra inquired.

"I'm a vampire, carry two huge guns, and I am the death-dealer for Hellsing. If you haven't realized, I am more or less the _anti_-doctor. How am I supposed to know what you're looking for when I see it?"

"_Please_, Alucard, don't bother. You are no fool, though you act like one incredibly well. You know the anatomy of a human body as well as the top doctor in the country." Integra said, almost bitterly, as if she loathed coming that close to giving Alucard a compliment. "Besides, I have my reasons. And you have your orders. Follow them. And quit your yawning!" Integra added, seeing him raise a hand to his mouth. "It's your fault for being out all **_day_**!"

So, now they were on their way (in a stylish limo with an included driver), and Alucard was looking very displeased. Seras longed to say something like, "I told you so!" or "You should've known!" But the repercussions of those acts would be along the lines asking for a death wish instead. She was trying her best to force the thoughts out of her head in case Alucard decided to have a look-see.

"What hospital are we going to Walter?" Seras asked to distract herself.

"The Winchester healing Hospital."

The word Winchester now took up her thinking space. "Winchester, Winchester, Winchester!" Seras shouted suddenly. "First the school, then the pub, now a hospital! Why is everything named WINCHESTER!"

"Because the people that make the names have no imagination." Alucard said simply, staring out of his window. "That's another reason to become a vampire. A true one I mean. Eventually it gets boring to kill somebody the same way over, and over, and over again. Being a vampire almost forces you to think of ways not to be bored for all eternity." He continued looking out of the window while Pip was slowly edging away from him.

The limousine slowed down. "We're here sir." The driver said to Walter. "Thank you, Smith. We'll let ourselves out." Walter climbed out of the vehicle, followed by Pip, Seras and a very reluctant Alucard.

It was still night-time, most of the world was still asleep, and visiting hours were long since past, but neither rules seemed to apply to them. After all, they were Hellsing.

A doctor was waiting for them out on the front steps. "Hurry, hurry, you can't stay long. Don't want the staff to get suspicious of anything mind you." The doctor said, opening the door for them. Seras noticed the look on her Master's face. It seemed to be daring anybody to get 'suspicious'.

The doctor led them into a white corridor. "All through this wing are students that your people said they were so interested in. We can't figure out anything decisive maybe you can. Pick whichever room you like, just don't upset them, and _do_ try to be gone in an hour..!" The doctor stressed. "The shift changes at that time and its bad enough one has already seen you."

The doctor left. "We'll take this one" Alucard said, indicating the nearest room. He walked in, Seras behind him, and Walter (along with Pip) went to check a different student.

As soon as they entered a powerful aroma filled Seras' nose. She started gagging. "Hmmm…" her Master moved further into the room. "Describe the smell to me, Police girl."

"I-it smells like-(cough)-wet dog or-, something-!" Seras choked out.

"Yes…Indeed it does. Perhaps Master Hellsing was correct in taking time to explore this…." Alucard pulled back some hanging curtains to reveal a hospital bed, and upon it, a teenage boy, drenched in sweat. On the nearby walls and ceiling, long claw marks had been made.

Alucard growled. "Another werewolf…very strange indeed. Check the boy Police Girl. Bite marks, claw marks…anything unusual." Alucard had his head back an was vigorously sniffing the air. Seras ignored the act, chalking it up to PMS (or perhaps Alucard just being Alucard…). She reached out and touched the boy.

"Master!" Seras whispered. "His skin is freezing!" Alucard said nothing, still sniffing. He crossed over to a window and yanked it open. Seras continued her search. She turned the boy's head so his neck was revealed, but their were no bites. She ran her hand along the swastika symbol placed by Millennium. This was the only place on his body that seemed hot.

"Something is not right here." Alucard said, pulling his head back inside the window. "Go retrieve Walter, I wish to-" Alucard was cut short as the teen's body shuddered. Alucard and Seras watched it for a moment, then it seemed to enter some sort of sudden seizure.

The hospital bed was rocking back and forth under the boy's muscle spasms and he was soon foaming at the mouth. The doctor rushed in with a nurse at his side, holding a long syringe. But the doctor never got close enough.

At that particular moment, the student's eyes shot open and he lunged forward, attempting to bite and or throttle anyone close enough. Alucard stepped in. He smashed the Casull into the boy's face, and he slumped back into his bed, alive, but unconscious and with blood trickling out of his nose. "Now doctor." Alucard stepped aside and put his gun away. "Administer whatever you wish, and tether him down afterwards. Do the same for all of your patients with the swastika at the base of their necks. Keep their straps tight, and put something in their mouths to stop potential biting."

Alucard strode towards the door. "Fetch Walter and Bernadette, Police Girl. We're leaving."

When they returned to the limo, Walter immediately raised the barrier between the front and the back for privacy. Seras asked the obvious question. "Okay! So just what is going on here!" Alucard was silent for a moment, and all eyes were on him.

"….I don't know."

* * *

"Report." They had returned to Integra's office, and Alucard was giving her the information they had gathered. It wasn't much. 

"In our room, there were traces of another wolf, claw marks, and a serious odor of dog, but they seemed to have just vanished. I couldn't follow the scent anywhere other than inside the room. I can't come to any theories as to how the werewolf would have escaped. Even in human form that smell lingers."

Seras picked up next. "His body was cold, but the swastika symbol he had felt like it was on fire, I don't know if this means anything…."

"It might." Integra said, chewing on her cigar. "Walter, was it the same way with your subject too?"

The old butler nodded. Integra looked grim, as if she knew something they didn't. Or perhaps she was grim because she didn't know anything more than them at all, and it worried her.

"Very well, you are all dismissed."

* * *

I know this chapter wasn't as funny as the others, but this story does actually have a plot to it, more than just random bars and holiday shopping. 

Review.


	6. Holiday

I knowI said tuesday, but I had a bit of computer trouble. Sorry. Here goes,

* * *

Order 1.6: Holiday

Seras assumed, from the lack of disruption for the last week, that even Millenium didn't care to cause trouble at Christmas time. It often made her giggle just thinking about it. Criminals sitting down and unwrapping their presents near a warm open fire. (With a mug of hot-cocoa) If she could somehow take a picture of it in real-life….she doubted she'd ever stop laughing.

Alucard however, was in his (now usual) mood. He was constantly frowning, and barely slept, and he kept scaring the soldiers who bothered him. (Simply looking at him could cause you a week's worth of nightmares.) Seras knew that 'scaring' wasn't a word to use for the action, but she couldn't think of a stronger word…a _much_ stronger word.

She moved over so that a group of haunted looking soldiers could walk past. "Hmmm. Perhaps terrifying could be the ticket." She thought aloud as fresh bouts of screaming erupted from some floor above her. She sighed. "Oh, Master…what are we to do with you?"

"Lock him up and throw away the key, I say." Pip said, stepping up beside her. He looked nervous, skittish; his eyes kept darting around the room and his hand was trembling as he smoked. "The bloke's gone insane, I tell you. This morning, he told me I was breathing too loudly! …Haven't felt safe since." He took a long drag on his cigarette. It seemed to calm him down, ever so slightly. "He can read your mind man! He knows everything…can see your worst fears, and plays them like some freaky theater in your head…." Pip shuddered.

Seras looked at him, concerned. "What'd he do to you?" Pip burst into tears, which was a sight to see when you are a grown man with an eye-patch. Pip flung himself onto Seras' shoulder and sobbed loudly. Seras nervously patted his back. "Er, there, there…? It'll be alright."

From between sobs, muffled words reached Seras' ear. Words like: "Mommy", "marijuana", "teddy", and "No! Not the paper shredder!" could distinctly be heard. Pip soon drew himself back together. Sniffing and wiping his eyes, he turned away from Seras. "…sorry about that, cherie. (sniff) Don't know what came over me….Enjoy ze rest of your day." With that, Pip set off at a brisk walk, seeming determined to get as far away from what just happened as he could.

A few seconds later, an agitated Walter brushed past her roughly. "Sorry." Seras called, but she got no response. Walter disappeared upstairs. Laughter echoed all around her, and Alucard materialized beside as soon as Walter was out of sight.

"Old Walter seems to be in a bad mood…." Alucard commented, a shadow of his old smile on his face. "I wonder what that reason may be?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Is that sarcasm, Master? I can't tell with you."

Alucard looked down on his fledgling. "You assume that I had a hand in this? I'm shocked." His chuckle deepened. "I assure you, Walter has probably just misplaced something that helps him keep _hands-on_."

Seras slowly shook her head, sighing. "I don't understand you, Master."

"I doubt you ever will, Police Girl. After all, I am a vampire, who knows what you are pretending to be." Alucard said coldly. Seras looked around; her Master was gone.

* * *

The next day, Seras spotted Walter supervising the erecting of an enormous Christmas tree. It was Christmas eve., and Seras thought down to the presents she had stashed away in her room. Alucard's had been particularly difficult, but all in all, she was content with her choices.

She walked toward the rising tree and noticed that Walter was shaking slightly. "Are you alright Walter?" The butler jumped, and seemed to notice Seras for the first time.

"I'm just fine, Police Girl. Why do you ask?" Walter replied. Seras shrugged.

"It's just that you're shaking a bit, and you look a little blue…." Walter coughed nervously and tugged on the collar of his shirt. The door-bell rang. "Do you mind getting that Police Girl, I'm a little occupied at the moment." Walter asked her.

Seras left with a curious look over her shoulder at Walter, but opened the front door on the second bell ring. Before her stood a remarkably handsome man, yet strangely, there was nothing about him to remark on. "May I help you?" She asked.

"I'm here to visit an old friend, he may already know I'm here…tall, wears a monocle?" The young man informed her.

"Oh you must mean Walter! Come on in, he's just in the next room." Seras said, pointing him in the right direction. She then headed back for her quarters. It was time for another internal struggle over lunch.

The man remained in the doorway, looking confused. "….Walter?"

* * *

An hour or so later, Seras emerged from her room. Another failure. She compromised by trying to drink, but the majority of it ended up in the toilet. Again. She paused in the middle of the hallway, her ears picking up voices from Alucard's room. One was the master vampire himself, the other….

Once again, Seras' better judgment was overthrown by her curiosity. She silently made her way into the lower basements. "I really don't see why the humans are so interested in this…." Alucard said behind his closed iron door. Seras cracked it open a bit, Alucard was showing somebody something from a magazine.

Alucard noticed the movement behind his door as soon as she opened it, and, from the shuffling outside of her view, she assume that his visitor had as well. "Don't worry my friend, its that girl I was telling you about, you can stay as you are. Come in, Police Girl, and meet my guest."

Seras swallowed and stepped fully into the room. At first, she saw no one but her master sitting in his favorite chair, but then she noticed the dark shadow in the corner of the room, taking form. _'Another vampire? I didn't even know Alucard had friends outside of Hellsing, I mean he doesn't get out much does he?'_ As soon as she thought this, she remembered a blurred picture of a tall man in a red coat, heavily intoxicated, dancing onstage in a club. Seras shuddered.

The shadow had finished its transformation. Seras knew it wasn't a vampire at once. The creature was cloaked and hooded, so darkened was its face that even Seras couldn't depict any features. The being seemed familiar to Seras, though she couldn't quite place it….

"Oh, right" said the being, knocking on the side of his hood (head). He snapped long skeletal fingers and a split second later, he was grasping a long wooden double-bladed scythe.

Seras' mind clicked as it confirmed the picture. In about the same amount of time it took for the scythe to appear, Seras' brain had sent instructions to her mouth and throat. Precisely one second later, she was screaming bloody-murder. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!"

Alucard looked sharply at her, and his voice shut her up. "Police girl, mind your manners, that is not how you act towards a guest. Especially one of mine." Alucard gestured toward the specter. "I'd like you to meet Death, long-time friend of mine."

Death waved. Seras meekly waved back, unbelieving what was happening around her. "But my friends call me Bob." Death said in a clear voice that set Seras aback. She had expected a low raspy voice that the movies always portrayed. At that moment, yet another one of Seras' facts of life came crumbling down. She had adamantly believed that you could always trust the movies.

Seras stared blankly at Death after the shock of it all became more manageable. "Bob?" Seras asked, looking incredulous.

There was an awkward silence for a moment, then Alucard and Death burst out laughing. "Hahahaha! Bob! Ha! That was funny." Alucard said from his chair.

"I know, right? Bob….I hate that name….I tried to kill off all the Bobs in the world but some idiot women keep naming their sons that over and over again….Its impossible."

"Really?" Seras asked, trust Alucard to have a buddy-buddy relationship with the spirit of Death, who was in-fact biased against an idiotic thing like the name Bob.

Silence again.

Then; "Damn you're easy!" Alucard said, roaring with laughter. Death was leaning heavily on his scythe to remain standing (floating? Seras wasn't sure. She couldn't see any feet.)

Death was straightening up, still laughing weakly. "No, but seriously, I hate that name." Death's scythe glistened ominously. "So…This is her, huh? How long has it been since you last had a fledgling?"

"Long enough for you to remember I used to wear a monocle." Alucard replied casually.

"Wait!" Seras said, coming to a realization. "You were the guy I let in earlier!"

Death wagged a finger at her, but his hood faced Alucard. "She's quick. Cute too, not a bad pick Lord-"

"Don't call me that, I retired from that name." Alucard said, cutting Death off. Seras had a sinking suspicion that only Alucard could do such a thing as to interrupt a sentence from death. _'A death sentence! Ha…funny…..'_ She may have laughed aloud if she hadn't been so scared. Actually, all in all, she was just really freaked out.

"Well, yes Seras Victoria, that was me. You're about to ask why, I know. I can take any form I wish, though it is generally human. Changing into other animals makes me feel like I have extra legs that aren't there later….The reason for this is that most people would instantly die of fright at sight of my true form.

"Probably why the humans call me the Grim Reaper. Not so much that I dislike carrying lost souls into the netherworld, but you can't imagine how hard it is to have a conversation without people seizing up on you all the time….Even in this form, the form most humans recognize, have people rooted to the spot in terror. That's why I love you vampires so much, you are the un-dead. Not alive, but not quite dead either. You guys are the only ones who I can talk to. You and the occasional human who's strong enough to stare Death in the eye. But those are really rare. So rare that I let them live a little bit past their time, they deserve something special." Death finished.

"Um… Mr. Death, sir," Seras began.

"Don't say Mr., that's my father!" Death wheezed. Alucard snorted. Seras laughed timidly. "Er, right. My question is, since when do you take breaks? Aren't you supposed to be working right now? Did you get tired or something?" Seras wondered.

Death laughed and Alucard took up part of the question for him. "That wasn't bad Police Girl. 'Get tired', pllleease. The spirit of Death is more immortal than I am. Only when the world ends will he cease to have a job."

"Look babe, its Christmas. I never tire, but I'm always doing work. So I took a day off. I haven't seen old Alucard in ages, so I thought I'd make a visit. Besides, I got it covered. Gave the job to my assistant, Charley. Not all that bright in the head, but really enthusiastic, he's a nice kid."

"What were you guys talking about when I came in?" Seras asked, momentarily changing the subject. Death chuckled. "Oh, that. Alucard and I were just having a discussion about humans that's all." He gestured toward a table.

Seras now noticed that there was large ox full of nude women, playboy magazines and Hustler. "Master! I'm surprised at you!" Alucard looked at her with a questioning eyebrow. "What? These aren't mine. I'm not interested in human women. When I was young, maybe. But if you really want to know a good feeling, check out the vampire women in heat." Alucard seemed to shiver as though a chill ran up his spine, and a large smile formed. "Now THAT, that is one hell of a good time!"

"Really now?" Death asked, interestedly. "I didn't know you vampires still had sex."

Seras blushed furiously. She couldn't believe that her master, and the spirit of Death for God's sake, was talking so coolly about this.

"Oh, yeah..." Alucard said, waving his hand nonchalantly. "We can still have a good time, we just can't have kids. Think about it, if vampires don't age, then our offspring wouldn't grow past a baby, their brains wouldn't mature or anything. They might not even grow past an egg for that matter. Sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it? Best of both worlds really. No babies, no lasting diseases, all the fun." Alucard said with a wild smile.

"But that _does_ bring up an interesting point. Police Girl, do you still have your period?" Alucard asked with interest.

Seras' face reddened further. "I don't feel comfortable with this conversation!" Seras yelled. Death shrugged, "Whatever, I'll see you guys in the morning."

"What, you're staying?" Seras asked bluntly.

"What, did you expect me to take a break for only a day? Do you know how many centuries I've been doing this, lady! Since the dawn of time!" Death paused to think. "Or at least, shortly after the dawn of time. About a minute or so less than the dawn of time, I'd say." Death shrugged again, and vanished with a wave.

Yet again, silence fell. Until finally, Seras asked one final burning question. Remembering that Integra had told them that Alucard might play pranks, Seras assumed that Alucard had stolen the 'dirty' books. "So…whose are they?"

They heard a crash and Integra's voice carried down even to their basement. "WALTER! WHAT THE BLODDY HELL WAS THAT!"

_'Since when does Walter drop things?'_ Seras wondered, then with Alucard's answer it dawned on her.

"Whose are they? C'mon Police Girl. I'll give you one guess."

"Master! You didn't!"

Alucard smirked. "Well, didn't you ever wonder why Walter was looking so blue?"

* * *

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	7. Christmas Day

A little slow on this chapter...Writer's block, but in the end I decided to split this chapter into two parts. Yeah. Enjoy!

* * *

Christmas-Day

Alucard rose slowly from his coffin. He checked his internal clock. It was exactly 6:47 minutes and 34-no 35 seconds. Bleary-eyed, he momentarily fought of the urge to return to his slumber and scanned his dungeon for the source of his wake. He spotted it instantly. His room had been decorated with ribbons and baubles of red white green and gold.

_"Ah, of course. Its _that_ time of year again. But why the decorations? Integra has not done something like this for the years that I've known her…at least, not for _my_ room." _Alucard wondered what had taken place during this past year that was different from all the others. A glimpse of a full moon and a vampire priest entered his memory.

"Obviously. It wasn't Hellsing after all…. SERAS!" Alucard grabbed his Casull off of a table nearby, and proceeded to blast the Christmas ornaments off of his walls. Then his line of sight fell onto Walter's "box". Alucard vaguely remembered promising Seras to return the "box". But only very reluctantly, and only because he actually thought he'd die again from all the nagging.

"…This blows" Alucard said, using a phrase he, just at that moment, considered to be the best phrase of all time. Alucard thought about it for a second, then shrugged. Alucard stepped out of the black coffin and lifted Walter's stash.

He phased through the ceiling towards Walter's room and placed the item(s) on the old butler's nightstand. The note he had pinned there last night clearly visible. "Merry Christmas, perv." Then he morphed into a shadow to wait for the look on Walter's face.

Sure enough, Walter soon woke himself and spotted his treasure. Walter leapt out of bed and pulled the box into a loving embrace. Alucard emitted a half snort-half laugh that Walter couldn't hear.

The butler proceeded to stuff it back under his bed, but not before drawing a Hustler away from its companions. Alucard decided to head for the great hall next. This was _not_ something he wanted to see.

Alucard sat in one of the expensive, yet comfortable sofas and scowled at the lit tree. He stayed this way for an hour, having a silent staring match with the tree, before he felt other life stir in the mansion.

Pip was waking somewhere on the second floor, being the commander, he didn't have to sleep with the rest of his men. Integra was already pacing around her room, and various maids and housekeepers (The assistants of the assistant, Walter) were bustling around, cleaning or making Christmas breakfast.

On the tree, a light flickered and died. Alucard stood up, crossed to the tree and twisted the said light. It stuttered back to life. Alucard formed a sadistic grin. "You blinked." He crushed between his fore finger and thumb. "Pansy".

"Well, Alucard, you must really be bored to stoop to destroying simple ornaments." Said a tall, silver haired man. He was averagely built, but had sharp blue eyes that shone as if emitting their own light.

"Oh, shut up." Alucard snapped.

"Aren't you in a fine mood today?" Death asked, sweeping back his newly acquired platinum-blond hair. Alucard's scowl returned. And just before he could say anything, Death was pulled away.

Seras dropped her voice down to a whisper, so that even Alucard, (who didn't seem to be listen anyway,) couldn't hear. (Unless he was listening). "Sir Integra says he's got PMS." Death's eyebrows raised. "Some, pre-massacre symptoms or something like that…just don't get on his nerves…Why are you laughing!" Seras asked, quietly as Death broke into silent chuckles.

"PMS?" Seras noticed Alucard's ear twitch. "HAHA! Oooohh…I was there for the first one. It was pretty soon after he 'joined' Hellsing. Damn, do I feel sorry for the mortals…." Death said, with a smile.

"How can you take this so lightly?" Seras asked, wide-eyed. "From what I've heard, this is really serious!"

"How can I take this so lightly?" Death asked, his eyes glittering. "Because, being Death, I know death not. I cannot die, Seras. But man is this going to be ugly. Seras, I like you, so I'm going to help you out. The easiest way to keep the Alucard calm, is to keep fresh blood away from him at all times. Its not so bad now, but eventually you won't want him getting too close to human life. And be sure to keep Integra safe. Alucard would never attack his master, unless he felt he had to. "

"What do you-?"

"It is not my place, Seras. But let me tell you, there are secrets within these walls that would make your head spin." Death told her firmly. Then he suddenly dropped the dark and mysterious routine and clapped his hands together. "Now then! I've been gone for a century! Who's going to show me around?"

* * *

Seras was the one to begin the grand tour, but Alucard soon took over after she got lost several times. Repeatedly. It wasn't that she had no sense of direction, but she was still new. There were rooms in the mansion that she had never seen before. Eventually though, they made to Integra's office, and that's when all the fun began.

"Alucard! Seras! May I ask what you are doing?" Integra asked, having watched them wander the mansion for over an hour. "We are showing my guest here, the many chambers in the mansion." Alucard told her.

"Oh? First, only Hellsing personnel are allowed on this floor. But, we'll get into all of this later." Integra rose from behind her desk. "Well, won't you at least introduce us, since you've already broken protocol. What is _your guest's_ name?"

"Ben Dover Sdrawkcab" Alucard told her with a straight face. Regardless, Integra's face was reddening. Luckily, "Ben" stepped in.

"But most people just call me Alex. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what my parents were thinking when they gave me that name." "Alex" said light jest in his voice.

"What is your business here, Alex?" Integra asked.

"Oh, just visiting my old friend here," Alex clapped Alucard on the back. "Haven't seen him in ages."

Immediately, Integra searched Alex's eyes for any trace of red. "Oh don't worry, fair lady. I am no vampire. But I do have my ways of getting around." Alex winked at Seras. "But, I can only visit for a short time, before I must return to my duties. So in light of this I ask you, Mademoiselle, what do you do for fun around here?"

Integra's look was sour. She found it hard to believe, but this 'friend' of Alucard's might be just as irritating as the vampire himself. Barging into Hellsing headquarters, without notice, and immediately asking to be entertained. '_This man obviously has no respect, or he doesn't know to whom he speaks. Or both. Trust Alucard to bring in some loud-mouth from who knows where…. Alucard! Oh…he obviously needs the boundary line to be redefined. I'll get him for this.' _

She found herself agreeing to something Alex was saying. Integra did it all the time, let her mind wander when someone was bothering her, and her body went on auto-pilot, nodding or shaking its head to get said person away.

Several minutes later, as she was standing in knee-deep snow, she decided that the auto-pilot needed to be re-checked. "Walter, explain to me why I am out here again." The old butler seemed to be holding back a laugh. "Well, Integra, sir Alex suggested a snowball fight and you accepted the invitation."

"That doesn't explain why I'm out here Walter. I realized my mistake and declined."

"Ah, but it was too late, Sir Integra, if you remember, Alucard put up the case of a man and the bond to his word. You were forced to comply." Walter said, a faint smile on his face.

"Walter, no more blood to Alucard for a week."

"Are you sure, sir Integra? Given the circumstances…."

Integra scowled. "I suppose you are correct Walter. Let him have his blood. But I swear Walter, he will pay-AGH!" Integra was cut off as a large white ball of snow covered her face. She angrily wiped it off and looked for the simpleton who had thrown it. She spotted Alex, laughing from a few yards away. "I will not partake in this childish game of yours!" she shouted at the stranger.

Alex shrugged. "Hey, this is a snowball fight, and if you plan on just standing there, then…." Alex demonstrated his meaning by throwing two more snowballs with unerring accuracy. One after the other, they covered exactly one half of her face each.

When the snow had fallen off, a mad gleam had entered Integra's eyes, not unlike Alucard's usual manner. She crouched to scoop together a large ball of snow and ice. Walter was silently chuckling. "Sir Integra, I thought you said you wouldn't play this game?"

"I'm not Walter" Integra replied. "This has escalated to War."

* * *

Three complete hours later, they all trooped in, soaked and frozen to the bone. Seras had had no idea how strong Integra's throwing arm was. 'Alex' was still caught up in the fun of it all and was laughing non-stop. It made Seras wonder how dull grim reaping actually was. But in fact, only Alucard (who was dragged outside as well. "If I have to go, then you have to go!" Integra had told him) seemed to not have enjoyed himself.

"Snow blows." Seras caught him saying. "What's the point of it?"

"You can't pretend like you didn't enjoy it Master." Seras said. "I saw you smile when Walter got his monocle knocked off." Seras now noticed that Alucard was completely dry, yet 'Alex' had hit him with more balls than anyone else.

_'Must be a trick I don't know yet…. Sure would come in handy though.'_ Seras thought as she looked down at her freezing clothes. It was becoming harder to move every passing minute.

"Of course he enjoyed it!" Alex said coming up behind them, sopping wet. Seras supposed he liked just being able to feel it. "He's just in a downright pissy mood." Alucard glared at him, Alex took no notice. "Look Alucard, babe, what you need to do is-" Alex was interrupted as a bellow of rage burst from Integra's office. They crept toward the door. "What's wrong Integra?" Walter asked.

"The band for tonight's ball can't make it. Apparently their major players _and_ the composer were injured last night in a alcohol-induced car accident." Integra told him, the frustration heavy in her voice.

"There seem to be a lot of those going around lately." Walter commented.

"What are we going to do Walter! I can't find anybody else on short notice!" Integra continued. Alex burst in, smiling widely. "That's where I come in, my dove. I'll handle it."

Integra eyed him suspiciously. "And what can you do?"

"I happen to know quite a few decent bands, I'll have your ball on schedule just trust me!" And with that incredibly vague notice, Alex swept from the room and grinned at Alucard and Seras. "All right! Things are heating up, we'll make this the best ball ever! We'll turn it into a real party!" Alex said, rubbing his hands together.

Seras sighed. This wasn't going to end well.

* * *

That chapter, finally done. Phew.

Now, who can decipher 'Ben Dover's' last name? (Sdrawkcab)

Review!


	8. Christmas Night

Er…Diskworld…? What is Diskworld?

I am soooo late…I know. But! School's almost out! Less than two days left! YEEEEHHHHAAAAAAHHH!

* * *

As the day progressed, Death (still under the guise of Alexander Richard Smith the 3rd) was seemingly on the phone all day, making preparations. But Seras knew that any connections Death had couldn't possibly exist in the human world. She guessed that the phone was just a prop, he was really linked to the nether-realm, or wherever else he hailed from.

When this was posed to Alucard, he almost smiled. "Your senses and intellect continue to grow, Policewoman. There may be some hope for you yet." Seras beamed and made to leave, but tripped over her own feet and ended up sprawled over the floor. "Or perhaps, I spoke too soon." Alucard said with a sigh. "Blondes…."

As the hour of the ball came closer, Integra was becoming steadily more and more nervous; she didn't trust Alex at all. Walter was supervising the decoration layout and food. The ball would take place in the Great Hall, which was, in fact, not a hall at all, but a large circular room perfect for such occasions. (It was octagonal really…it had straight walls.)

Having nothing better to do, Alucard wandered aimlessly around the mansion, often seen talking with the silver-haired Death. Seras wondered how the two most frightening and power beings that she knew could laugh so easily in each other's company.

"Hey," Alex said, getting Alucard's attention while Seras walked by. "what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?"

Alucard sniggered. "Take the pin out and throw it back!" He said, laughing deeply. "What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?" Alucard shot back.

"Run away 'cause she's got a grenade!" Whoops of laughter echoed down the hallway.

* * *

By midday, the Christmas tree was set and balanced, but when night fell, it became a wondrous monument, shining and sparkling with the decorative ornaments. While no one was looking, Seras stashed her wrapped presents under the tree. There weren't many others there, but a few people had also carried on with the tradition.

She spotted a large one with her name on it; it was from Pip. She was very much tempted to open it then, but she controlled her urges and went to her chambers to prepare for the ball.

Meanwhile, Alex and Integra were in the Great Hall, watching over things. A large stage was being wheeled into place by some clumsy workers, but they were exceptionally strong. The stage was heavy but it only took three on either half to put it together.

"…So…who did you say was performing tonight?" Integra asked, with her eyes still on the workers.

"Oh, a couple of people I know. Some friends of mine. A lot of people say they have some real talent." Alex watched as the workers busied themselves with setting up stereos and speakers.

"Do you think that you could be any less vague about it?"

"Nope. Besides, it would ruin the surprise." Alex told her, eyes twinkling. Integra finally gave up and went to change also.

At eight o'clock, the guests started to roll in, where they were directed to the Great Hall, and welcomed by Walter, who was wearing a navy-blue suit and tie, and Integra, who was wearing a long black dress with a slit in the side, showing off her right leg.

Alex and Alucard was in a corner, surveying the event with a mildly interested air about them. Alex, was wearing a tuxedo. Whereas Alucard had even cleaned up and was wearing a suit himself. Slacks, and a jacket-like vest tucked in, a long robe sort of garment hung from his back resembling a **_formal_** cape. It looked more like something a king or prince would wear. He wore a blue tie as well, which he was absently tugging on in irritation.

"You know, this is the only time of the year when Integra relaxes and 'let's her hair down' at least part way down….Sometimes, she even managed to look…what do the humans say today…sexy…." Alucard commented.

"Careful, vampire. I'm surprised you would speak of your Master in such a way." Alex said.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Reaper. I was merely commenting. I've already explained that I'm not interested in human women. However, I can still state a fact, can I not?"

"You'd like human women if you were still human I'll bet. And if you were still human, you'd be repulsed by 'vampira in heat' as you put it." Alex said sniggering.

"But I am not human any longer. I haven't been in over two thousand years. You're appetites change when you become a vampire. Needless to say, I'd be dust by now if I were still human…."

Alucard trailed off as he noticed Seras enter the room. She was wearing long light blue dress, the kind that showed all the right curves, before billowing out at the waist. She'd done something with her hair, a flower was set behind her ear. And to top it off, she was wearing those cute and sexy gloves that came up to your elbow.

Alex whistled. "Phew…Al, you sure know how to pick 'em. Beautiful….and that's saying something from a guy who travels to Hades and back on a daily basis."

"Indeed…." Alucard continued watching Seras until she was blocked from view by the growing crowd. "Speaking of dead people," Alucard said, picking up where he left off, "I suppose it was of that type that you contacted?"

"Of course."

"Who'd you bring?"

"Some party-lovers who wanted to see the Earth again. Nothing too big. You'll see in a few minutes' time though." Alex told him.

Alucard looked to the stage as a figure dressed in white took the microphone. Something in his memory buzzed at the sight of him. "How about we get this party rolling!" He said into the microphone, revolving his hips as he did so. There were whispers of "The King" among the guests. Alucard's eyes widened.

"You didn't! ….Elvis!"

Death was doing his best to keep from laughing. "Hey, he wanted the job." Death looked on as Elvis sang songs that didn't even appear to be his. Apparently, he had been given a crash course in modern music.

"People will ask questions" Alucard pointed out, but Death waved it away. "I do this for a living." He said. "You let me deal with the onlookers."

"Nice touch with Elvis." Seras said, coming up to them, again somehow forcing Alucard's attention onto her. "But I think I just saw the Spice Girls in the other room…."

"Probably. I did call them." Alex said, shrugging. Seras looked confused.

"But…they aren't dead!"

"Their careers are."

* * *

The ball was on, and flowing smoothly. Alucard had even heard Alex's solution when Integra and a few other guests came looking for answers. "I heard that Elvis was long dead." Integra asked suspiciously.

"Oh no, that's just a wide misconception. Elvis ain't dead, he just went home."

Integra's eyes narrowed. "Even so, he should be something like 70 or 80 now. And he should have more than a few grey hairs."

Alex shrugged. "After he let himself go, he started working out more. Says it keeps him young. That's also why he's so slim. I have got to get his work out regime…."

Integra was really starting to fume now. "Well then why, pray-tell, would he answer _your_ summons?"

"Let's just say I'm a family friend." Alex replied with a wink at Alucard. The elder vampire snorted. A few minutes later, Alex had shaken them off as Elvis showed signs of entering a slow song.

Alucard moved to the side lines, and watched the mass of people slowly twirl and revolve. He found it amazing how many people trip over their feet with a speedy tempo, but everyone was an expert at the waltz, or whatever the hell they were doing. _'Of course,'_ Alucard thought to himself, _'they probably are. They've got nothing better to do than chat with the Queen, practice fine dining and stretch so they can bow lower. There are so many tight asses in here…. Well, I suppose that means they aren't gay…. Unless of course,' _Alucard caught himself and immediately ended that mental pondering. He'd rather not imagine what positions they got into.

Alucard glanced up and saw a flash of blue, and before he thought better of it, walked into the crowd.

Seras was slowly dancing with Alex, and she found that she was no longer disturbed by the fact that she was so close to Death. She doubted it was the human form either, for in her vampire mind, she knew him for what he was.

Alex himself seemed to be giving only a half-hearted effort into the steps. He carried a light air about him, and was more interested in keeping a semi-interesting conversation. In the end, it seemed as if he was waiting for something. _'But what?'_

Seras briefly looked up as Alex was tapped on the shoulder. "Mind if I cut in?" Seras stopped dancing, she hadn't expected her master to be standing there. Alex's eyes flashed, and Seras got the feeling that this was what he had been waiting for.

"Oh, by all means" Alex said, bowing out of the way, barely concealing a smile. "She's yours."

Alucard took Seras' hand in his, and placed his other hand on her back, perhaps bringing her a little closer to him than he realized. Seras' hand automatically slid its way to his shoulder to complete the pose. They fell in step to the beat and resumed the dance.

Seras felt strangely awkward being in such close proximity to her master. _'Oh sure, don't feel anything when dancing with death, but when Alucard comes around….'_ She decided to ease some of the tension she was feeling. "So how do I look?" Seras asked playfully. The answer stunned her as Alucard initially had.

"Beautiful" was Alucard's reply, his face not showing any anxiety at all. Seras stared at him for a while, before lowering her eyes. '_Did he really mean it?'_ Somehow, Seras' worries about the spacing were gone, and she focused (or unfocused) on the time she had.

For all too soon, the song was winding down and they broke contact, Alucard gave her a small bow and strode from the dance floor, leaving his very confused, and very breathless fledgling looking after him.

* * *

After a couple more hours, the guests were driving away, Integra was saying farewell at the door. Alucard saw an old man hobbling on a cane, and his young gold-digger wife stop by Integra.

"This was one of the best balls you've ever thrown Integra!" the old man said, a little loudly. He was probably losing his hearing. "Yes, in-deed-y! I do believe it was the shizzle-nip as the young ones call it! Did I get that right Roxanne?" the old man asked his wife.

"Close enough, dear" the woman said, with a false smile plastered on her face. "And Elvis! The King!" the old man continued. "I told you he wasn't dead! Didn't I Roxanne? Didn't I tell you!"

"Yes you did, Bill." The old man finally walked on, wiggling his hips in tune to non-existent music. Alucard seriously considered using a mind trick to make the old man trip and fall, but in the end he didn't have to as cries of "AAGH! MY HIP!" Soon reached his ears. Apparently the old man wiggled just a little too far.

Alucard laughed out loud, as Integra and on-hand medical staff checked on him. Soon, Integra returned with a sigh, but then looked sharply at Alucard. "You are lucky nobody heard you Alucard, you are really pushing the limits here!" Integra said with warning.

"Damn woman! Let me be! You stick me with these old bastards every year! Its about time one of them broke something!" Alucard shouted with a sudden blast of anger. "If you don't like it, then you can suck my big, floppy-" Alucard was cut off as Integra slapped him with a sound that resounded through the mansion.

"YOU FORGET YOURSELF, SERVANT!" Integra told an unbelieving Alucard. "I don't give a damn what you are going through! You will show me the proper respect that I demand! Go retire to your room, vampire! I can't stand your presence any longer."

Alucard scowled, but followed orders and soon found himself in his dungeon. A Christmas gift lay on his table from Seras. Deciding that he would open it in the morning, Alucard climbed into his coffin, his mind reflecting over the night's events.

Alucard touched his cheek where Integra had slapped him. It hadn't damaged the skin at all, but something in him still hurt. He realized that he was genuinely sorry for upsetting her.

Alucard's scowl returned. He had grown too attached to the woman. "Damn it all. And what the hell is 'whatever you're going through' supposed to mean!"

And yet, from out of his whirling thoughts, a voice sounded. _'But then, I suppose they _would _need tight asses if they were gay…._'

"You again! Shut up!" Alucard told himself. '_But its probably true…'_

Alucard stared at the inside lid of his coffin.

"Christmas blows"

* * *

Hoped you enjoyed it, this chapter was really hard to write for some reason, but I thought it was funnier than some of the others. Whatever, tell me what you think!

Review.


	9. Growing Boredom

Alright! Back in action! And don't worry, I'll delete the notice a little later. Oh, and a few more things here…let's see. Ah! **_Item #1_**. : Two chapters ago, yes. The answer was "backwards" I thought it was really clever, but most of you got it anyway so I guess I'm an idiot. **_Item #2_**: Sorry, but this is not exactly an A/S fic. Though they are my favorite couple, I'm not fond of writing romance. In fact, that scene surprised me, I had no idea it was going to be there. But it was a ball, and someone had to dance right? Maybe they'll be more "surprises" along the way.

* * *

From Seras, Alucard had received a gun polishing kit, and a large peacock feather for his hat. Put together, the colors clashed horribly, but for some reason he felt compelled to wear it anyway. Walter had undoubtedly given him his present earlier in the form of the Jackal, and Pip gave him a little sliver bracelet with the strangest words engraved.: "What Would Jesus Do?" Alucard made a mental note to…. "thank"….the captain later.

And of course, Integra was still in a rotten mood. Besides, he hadn't recieved a Christmas present from her since 6 years ago, before she started thinking that giving him presents was "inappropriate". But Alucard shrugged it off. He hadn't celebrated christmas for about two thousand years now. If people still wanted to give him presents, fine. He didn't need to give _them_ one though.

The nosferatu yawned and stretched, his fingertips skating along the ceiling. Already feeling boredom beginning to set in, Alucard decided to see what his fledgling was up to, then receive his orders from the Hellsing. Christmas had come and gone now, nap time was over.

Alucard opened his third eye and peered through stone into the Police Girl's chamber. She was sitting in front of a television, watching something or another play out, but then Alucard noticed that one of the characters on-screen had wings. Feeling his curiosity swell, he stepped through the wall.

* * *

"Vampires do not age" said the t.v, as Seras watched half-interestedly, "As time passes we become more….divine…."

"Indeed." Said a deep voice from behind her. Seras whirled at the sound of her master, and felt a slight increase in herundead heart rate. "But then again, you don't see me losing fingers either." Alucard said wiggling his own for emphasis. "What is this absurdity you are looking at." Seras looked back at the t.v.

"Oh, that Master? Its my Christmas present…Captain Bernadette bought me a Playstation 2 and a package of vampire games, I think he saw it as some kind of joke…."

Alucard looked down at the bracelet around his left wrist. "Undoubtedly…." Alucard murmured, as Raziel bowed in the background. "Anyway, get dressed Police Girl, no doubt there's work to be done today." He said with a widenening grin.

"No there isn't Master, I've already checked. I get up earlier than you remember. Anyway, Sir Integra says there still hasn't been any Freak activity, but those kids we've been watching have been returned to their homes."

"Returned to their homes? Hmm…." Alucard frowned and floated up through the ceiling, he passed the first basement as well, until he came up to the Great Hall. The Christmas tree was still up and decorated, along with a blazing fire right next to it, (probably a safety hazard, but its not like He cared.)

Alucard immediately spotted Integra and 'Alex' chatting and laughing over a steaming cup of tea. Alex was the first to notice the approaching vampire. "Alucard my old friend. Why didn't you tell me your Lady Integra was such a fine dancer?" The disguised Death asked merrily.

"She's the head of a large family organization, I assumed dancing practice came with the title." Alucard replied, looking at Integra who no longer seemed to be happy. Before she could speak however, Alucard cut her off. "I've been informed that the students were returned to their homes, why?"

"You are still not in the place to question my orders servant." Integra said warningly.

"Well the one that you would generally listen to obviously did not inform you of your mistake, so now that happy task falls to me." Alucard told her.

"I was not aware that you were included in my chain of advisors." Integra said coolly.

"Your human mind is not aware of a great many things, Sir Hellsing."

"Watch your tones, Alucard." Integra said, another warning. "I do not play these childish games with you Alucard, you are pushing on your boundaries and it is beginning to get on my nerves. We'll talk about the _private_" Integra stressed the word, "matters later." Integra said with finality, turning back to resume her conversation with Alex.

"Why not now?" Alucard asked. Integra turned with a stunned look, obviously surprised that Alucard would continue even after dismissed. "If you are attempting to hide the facts from your guest here, you are doing so in vain. 'Alex' already knows of everything we could possibly speak of. Whether you consider it proper to speak Hellsing matters in front of outsiders is of little concern to me. Those kids should not have been released."

"Very well Alucard, if this is how you are going to behave." Integra said with a glare. "The doctors could find nothing wrong with them. After a momentary fever, and a spat of seeming night-terrors, they couldn't be held in a hospital any longer without reason."

"Those human doctors aren't experienced. They don't know what they are looking for." Alucard stated bluntly.

"And you do? Last time you gave your report you had as little to say as those human doctors you seem to despise so. Without Freak activity, or any leads from either the doctors, or yourself we can't move anywhere. So go find a way for you to pass the time, and stay out of my way. You are dismissed Alucard."

* * *

After calming down from his meeting with Integra, Alucard dismissed his worries. After all, if some weird and sudden Freak breakout occurred, it wouldn't be _his _ass on the line.

He happily toyed with the idea of tormenting Bernadette, for that "present" of his, but ultimately decided that it wasn't worth the energy. He also thought of visiting Seras and examining that funny little black box that was the source the "video-games". But let that drop as well.

In the end, Alucard grabbed a few packs of medical blood and returned to his chambers to put his new polishing kit to use.

* * *

A little shorter than usual I know, but the next update will be swift and potentially longer (yeah, that made sense….sort of….). Review! 


	10. Multiple Fractures

Oho! We've got new reviewers! Sweeet! Okay.

Anendee: Thank you, I try.

Pyromanic! In truth, I like them both. I could see either or happening, and in the Anime, it seems to lean toward AxI anyway. But I think I prefer AxS because Seras is just so...I don't know, innocent? cute? Whatever. They're both hot. Maybe the next story I write in Hellsing will focus more on the relationships. Who knows?

Devil Man: Yes, nice catch, it is in fact Raziel from Legacy of Kain. Props to you.

Lyn: But of course my dear, just because you asked so nicely.

And now, Anime Deliquent, and the (two?) people associated with you.: Thanks alot. Its nice to see that I can still knock people out. Its probably one of the best things any humor writer wants to hear. And this story is only half/humor! HAHA! I've still got it baby!

Oh and to everyone!I told you I''d be faster! Now! On with the story.

* * *

**Order 1.10**

_She was standing in a murky, haze filled room. Noise pressed in on all sides around her. Men talking, laughing, yelling, fighting. A look of disgust forming on her face, she strode forward._

_Suddenly, a light shone down, as the rest of the world was plunged in darkness. Within the center of the light was a young teenager on a stretcher, seemingly asleep. The problem was she did not know why. And she had no idea as to how to wake him up. _

_A strange feeling was blossoming within her. This was wrong. This was all wrong! But against her will, she reached out and touched the boy. His head rolled, revealing the German symbol on the back of his neck. _

_Frightened, she tried to retreat but found she could not move. She tried with all of her might to run, to move something, anything. She focused on the arm that still rested on the boy's shoulder. _

_"Now, now, there's no running away." Said an disembodied voice. She noticed something attached to her wrist. A near-invisible strand of wire. With her eyes, she followed the wire upwards where a giant man stood, holding wires attached to the rest of her limbs. _

_His grey hair tied back in a pony-tail, the man with the monocole and the wires laughed at her. "You must play out your role! Finish what you started! Gracefully, as if dancing!" The giant man twitched some of his wire and involuntarily she entered into slow dance, twirling, waltzing, moving to an unknown rhythm. _

_The world returned, and the men were banging on their tables. "DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! GIVE US A SHOW!" They roared, and the banging increased. "You are bound by your Duty!" The old puppeteer said with merriment, while pulling strings and twitching wire._

_"Play out your role! DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! The DANCE OF DUTY!" The men hollered. _

_Then she saw one particular man, standing out from the rest. Wearing a blood-red coat and a fanged grin, he spun on his stool to face her. "YES!" He yelled, raising a dirty mug. Beer slopped inside it and splashed to the floor. "What will you show us now? Let us see you Dance, Integra! Hellsing!"_

_The noise increased._

* * *

Integra bolted awake, drenched in a cold sweat. Was that a dream? Or a nightmare? She decided upon nightmare; her mind's eye lingering on Alucard's grin. 

She suddenly noticed the hammering on her door. Pulling herself together, she got out of her bed and hurried to her bedroom doors. Opening them quickly, she looked outside. "What!" She snapped. Walter took an actual step back, and Integra tried again. "What do you want, Walter?" She asked more softly than before.

Walter stepped back up to the door, and Integra backed away without thinking. "My lady are you alright?" Walter asked, "You are soaked. Would you like me to fetch your robe?" Walter asked, stepping into the room.

"No, no, no!" Integra said hurriedly, and a bit louder than she meant. "I mean, no Walter that won't be necessary, I can fetch it myself." She told him, while pushing him back out of her room.

"Lady, why are you looking at me like that?" Walter asked about Integra's suspicious stare.

"Looking like what?" Integra asking, composing her face to show a look of wonder instead.

"Are you sure you are alright Lady Integra?" Walter asked, wondering about her strange behavior.

"I'm fine!" Integra shouted, (more for herself than for her butler) "What did you come here for Walter?" Her tone professional and agitated.

Deciding that she was back to normal, Walter delivered his news. "One of the students we've been watching, one that was sent home the other day, attacked his mother half an hour ago. His father was the witness to the act. He say the boy seemed crazed, and had a wild look in his eyes.

"When the father stepped in to intervene, he too was attacked, but his attack was cut short, as the boy fell unconscious and slumped to the floor. All three of them are in the hospital now. The father is doing well but the mother is in critical condition. Both are covered in _teeth and claw marks_." Walter said with some significance.

"Teeth and claw marks?" Integtra repeated, her suspicions of Walter fading with her dream and replaced with this new information.

"Yes, and that is not all. The boy is also in intensive care. He has once again slipped into a coma and all of the bones in his body are broken."

"His bones? Broken?"

"Every single one. From his skull, to his ribs to his feet my lady. Every one."

"But how? Did he sustain a fall of some sort? No." Integra said, dismissing that idea as she spoke it. "No simple fall could do that to the human body….." She said, thinking aloud. "Summon Alucard and Seras. They should still be awake." Integra said, checking her watch. 3:36 in the morning.

Integra shut her door and fetched her robe. Unprofessional clothing, but this was short-notice.

* * *

Seras knocked on her Master's door, which creaked open under the small amount of force. Raising a questioning eyebrow, she slid inside. "Um, Master? Are you here? Sir Integra has called us. Are you coming?" 

Seras found him slouched in his chair, looking sour. "What's the point?" He asked slowly.

"Excuse me?" Seras asked, confused.

"What's the point of it all Seras? I serve that woman day in and day out….but I still don't know the meaning of why I do it. Other than the fact that I am bound…."

"Did you just call me, Seras?" The fledgling asked, her bewilderment growing. Her master had only called her Seras on one occasion that she could remember, when he had faced the Judas Priest for the first time.

"That is your name, is it not?" Alucard asked her. "I really shouldn't call you Police Girl all the time. I'm sorry for that. I should show you more respect."

"Okaaayyyy…." Seras said slowly, getting closer to being creeped out. The show of respect was overall great, but so suddenly? And under the circumstances that Walter had explained….. "Master I think you'd better come with me."

Alucard wasn't listening. Or he was refusing to move. Instead, he focused his attention on trying to keep his peacock feather in the air by blowing on it.

"Please?" Seras asked. Alucard stopped and considered her as the feather fluttered to the floor.

"Oh fine, Seras, if I must." Slowly he rose from his chair and stood next to her by the door. He stopped and waited.

"What, master?" Seras asked. This time Alucard looked confused. "Ladies first." He said, moving aside and allowing her passage through the door. He seemed as though this had been obvious.

Seras blushed and quickly went through. "Thank you Master." Alucard closed the door behind them. "Shall we go then?" Alucard asked, extending a bent arm for her to take. Seras' blush deepened and she took hold of the arm, allowing Alucard to lift them through the ceiling.

When they reached the floor they needed, Seras instantly let go of her master, feeling as if her face were on fire. She hurried ahead of him and found Walter and Integra waiting for them.

Seras tugged Walter aside for a moment, and whispered low. "Walter, Alucard is acting reallllllyyy strange."

"More so than he has been?" Walter whispered back. Seras nodded. She told him what Alucard had said in his room, and about the "Ladies First." "And he's already called me Seras, twice."

"Oh dear….he may be transgressing to the second phase. He's moving much faster than we had expected….I'll inform Lady Integra later, and as well as Pip. But right now, sit down, you might need to hear this."

Seras went and sat down, a little further away from her master than usual. Not because of the whole PMS deal. But more because of how, well….nice….he was being. She had barely batted an eye when she found out that he was an ancient blood-sucking vampire that killed regularly for a job. In fact, she chose this life! But now, he was acting like an old-fashioned gentle-man.

Alucard looked over at her and she was reminded of their dance at the ball…. Feeling as though her face could not hold anymore blood, she inched further away.

* * *

After Pip had entered, looking rather pissed off at being woken so early, Integra informed them on the new info. 

"All of ze bones!" Pip asked wide-eyed. It seemed to be the most surprising bit of news.

"How?" Seras asked.

"We don't know." Integra said. "But it's become apparent that Millennium must have done something to them." She noticed Alucard picking absently at his coat. "HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN PAYING ATTENTION!" Integra shouted.

Alucard didn't look up, and continued picking at his coat. "Of course I have, Master. I just happen to be removing werewolf hairs from my coat at the same time. I swear, they are worse than dogs…their hair and fur get every where….."

"Werewolf hairs?" Integra said, non-believing. She felt her anger swell, but suddenly it was gone as shocking realization struck her. "Werewolves….and the children…the bones! Oh my god." Integra said, the blood draining from her face. "That's it!" But before she could elaborate, she was interrupted by Walter. No one had noticed the soldier come in and whisper to him until just then.

"Sir Hellsing. Intelligence informs us that a large group of Freaks are heading toward the hospital where the children are being kept."

"Children?"

Walter nodded. "Two more monitored students have acted as the first did, attack, coma, broken bones. And the Freaks are marching toward them."

"It all fits…" Integra said speaking into clasped hands. "Okay. Seras! Alucard!" She said, snapping the vampires to attention. (At least Seras anyway. Alucard looked slowly toward her with his face lacking any interest).

"You'll have to head the Freaks off and keep them at bay until the troops can arrive and give support. We can't let them into that hospital."

Seras rose, and Alucard followed suit was a long sigh. Integra stood as well. "You have your orders. I'll send the soldiers as soon as possible. I repeat. Do not let them into the hospital. Hurry. Move out!"

* * *

Oooohh. Getting closer now. The plot thickens. Review. 


	11. At All Costs

HOLY EFFING CHRIST! IT'S BEEN LIKE 2 MONTHS! HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN! I am so sorry everyone. So sorry. Looks like I lost track of serious time. It also looks like I've had my first major bout of writer's block. I knew exactly what I wanted from this chapter, just not how to write it ya know? Weird. Thanks for holding on. We're back now.

* * *

Alucard gazed at the obscured moon. It was still waxing behind the invisible clouds, leading to a full moon a week or two down the road. Alucard yawned an unexcited yawn. For some reason, he doubted even a full moon could cheer him up now.

But cheer him up from _what _exactly? Alucard frowned. Something didn't feel right. This hadn't been how his _after-_life was supposed to play out.

"Here they come!" His fledgling called excitedly. She tried not to show it, but Alucard knew. He knew everything. Between mind-reading, and a couple millennia behind him, if he didn't know everything, then he was damned close.

"Master, get ready!" Seras yelled, lifting that cannon-sized gun of hers. _'I suppose that would be why they call it a anti-freak _cannon_ as opposed to an anti-freak pistol…like you have.'_ A voice said to him.

"Hey." Alucard murmured back. "I can cause even more damage with my 'pistol' than any cannon any day." They were outside the hospital. Alucard, Seras and a large number of troops. It was one of the few times the troops and the elder vampire fought together.

Freaks were marching toward them. Vampires, ghouls, and once again, a werewolf or two. Alucard could smell them. Alucard considered drawing the Casull, but couldn't seem to work up the energy.

Integra had said "Stop them at all costs." Which to Alucard meant; "Stop them if the humans fail." Alucard knew it was a very loose translation, but he could live with it. For some reason, he just didn't feel like the whole fighting…thing…today.

He didn't feel like anything. All he wanted to do now was go to his room, close the lid on his coffin, and sleep…for a century or two….

* * *

Seras couldn't believe her master. He was just sitting on the steps, sprawled out like nothing was going on. Everyone could see the Freaks coming. Their front line was less than three blocks away. Yet Alucard hadn't moved an inch. The men were steeling themselves for the fight against the un-humans. And Seras herself was getting fidgety.

But Alucard? No! Never! Who cares if they were all about to be obliterated? Not Alucard. Nosiree. Seras knew. When time ends and the world stopped, Alucard would be the only one laughing during Armageddon day.

"You are right of course." Said the silver-haired man at her shoulder. Seras didn't bother asking where he came from.

"He's going to be at Armageddon? You can see the future?" Seras asked. The silver haired man grinned. "Baby, I'm Death. I can see everything. Especially Armageddon. It's my last day of work. And no. I can't see the future. I just happen to know all the possible futures that exist. And in most of them, he's laughing."

"What are you doing here, Mr. Reaper?" Seras asked him, now getting to the point. "You were gone earlier. I had thought you were gone for good."

"Don't worry, this is my last night of 'vacation'. I came to help even the odds. Alucard isn't going to fight tonight. And you guys would have been slaughtered without me."

Seras tried to ignore such a depressing comment. But before she could reply, "And yes." Death continued. "I don't usually take sides, so don't ask. And don't ask why I'm doing it today either. Just be glad I'm on your side."

"I thought your powers didn't work on vampires? Even the weak ones." Seras said pointedly.

"True" Death said, seeming to ponder it for a moment. "Let's see….does chopping them into little bitty pieces still work?" Seras nodded. "Good, then I've got it covered." Death said, his scythe appearing in his hand.

The troops raised their rifles and fire-arms. The Freaks were in range. The scythe shone in anticipation. Death (now in cloak and hood) laughed. "I haven't done in hands-on reaping in centuries! Let's have some fun!"

"Alright troops!" Pip shouted. "Let 'em have it!" Gunshots filled the night air. Seras fired off a round from her cannon. Death had seemingly disappeared, until Seras found him again racing at the enemy lines, before all of the speeding bullets. The scythe was swung, bullets found their mark, and a few of Hellsing's troopers fell. It was on.

Freaks leapt into the night air and landed only a few feet from the troops. Seras rushed forward to protect them. She used her Harkonnen as a battering ram, scattering the mass of vampires and ghouls. Using a free hand she literally ripped through her enemies.

She was weak, as she was constantly reminded by her master. But her weakness was still leagues above these simple Freaks.

"Back lines! Grenades! Launch ze Grenades!" Pip shouted. The troops immediately followed orders, and a chain of explosions rocked the area. It felt strange fighting outside of a hospital of all places, but Seras put it out of her mind.

Meanwhile, she stole a glance at her master. He hadn't moved. Nor were enemies attempting to attack him. Seras' mind returned to the battlefield. She wished they'd had more time to prepare. Hellsing troops were falling fast, and not only the students, but innocent patients were inside that hospital. Explosions? Gun-fire? Swarms of vampire freaks? It needed to be ended now.

Pip was shouting new orders. Seras in front, humans protecting the doors. Somehow, he hadn't seemed to have noticed the cloaked figure slashing his way through the Millennium forces. In fact, the battle was almost over, probably thanks to him.

Somehow, their forces were severely depleted. No group of humans could have done it so quickly. Seras couldn't even do it alone. Alucard could. Thinking about it, it made perfect sense that Death was the best in dealing out….himself….

Millennium seemed to have caught on to what they were dealing with. For the first and probably only time, Seras watched them retreat. She breathed a sigh of relief. They had come close to breaching the human barrier. It was all over now.

Walking up to their hooded savior, Seras noticed werewolf body parts in the gory scene. "I thought you needed silver for this kind of work" Seras stated aloud. Death laughed as he approached her. "I roll in style." He said, sliding a skeletal thumb along one of his scythe's blades. "Pure silver, going on a billion years old. Still works like a charm and shines like the sun." Death said fondly.

"Seras girl! Return to headquarters immediately." Pip called. Seras turned and gave the affirmative nod. "Well this is where we part." Death said with a sigh. "I'm done here, over-stayed my welcome. Be alive five centuries from now. Maybe I'll catch you again then."

Seras grinned and blinked. When her eyes snapped open again, he was gone. "Now woman! What ze hell are you looking at!" Pip yelled. "Don't just stand there like you're dead!"


	12. Kill me later, read this now

Alright. It's time you guys know the truth. As many of you may have noticed by now, my updates have gotten _considerably_ slower. This is due to the fact that I got accidently locked out of my personal computer. (Forgot the password. Our bad.)

Previously, I didn't think something like this would be a problem. It is. I now have to share the family computer with, well, the family. And my brother is on all the time so its getting kind of pressed. I can't just sit and write for hours anymore. This means I have to work on each story bit by bit. I am so terribly sorry.

From now on, I can only work on one story at a time. The rotation is as follows;

Kingdom Hearts shall be updated next. I haven't updated in forever...and it was my original story out of the latest three. Gotta show some love. A new update will be coming soon.

Following KH, is Hellsing. And following Hellsing will be my newest Devil May Cry story.

Hopefully, I'll still be able to churn the updates out at a reasonable pace. I'll see you all soon.

(And P.S. While you can obviously "review" to this and totally chew me out, which I deserve whole-heartedly. You don't really have to bother. I already know what you are going to say. I mean really? Who the HELL gets locked out of their own computer...)


	13. Death's Angel

Well, this took a while to get here but the new chapter has arrived. And now I present this to you tired as hell because I got like no sleep this week. school sucks. Avoid it at all cost! Enjoy the chapter.

* * *

Seras hopped in the back of a Hellsing truck and waited. Herself, along with several other troops hd been summoned back to the mansion. Seras wondered what Integra could want. The battle at the hospital was barely over. _'Maybe its that new information she wanted to tell us.' _Seras thought. _'It must be important if she wants us so quickly. But then...why isn't Master Alucard coming?'_

The red cloaked vampire was still in the same position on the stairs. He hadn't moved during the fight, and he didn't seem to be moving now. _'Oh whatever. That man is too weird for me. He'll probably get there on his own. Probably faster his way anyway.'_ Seras thought. Soldiers crowded in around her and the truck began to move.

* * *

Hellsing was under attack. It wouldn't be the first time, but still it was trouble when the headquarters was in danger. The wards around the house were out-dated, and their purpose was not what Integra needed anyway. They had been made with the idea of keeping a monster in Not keeping a number of Freaks out.

Ghouls were hammering on the reinforced gates and walls, though their vampire controllers had better means of entry. They detonated some explosives at the gate and leapt over, the ruined and twisted meta not even bothering them. True vampires or not, Freaks were still one thing above all.

They were the evil un-dead.

Integra took her machine gun under her shoulder and fired. The freak in front of her fell to bits as bullets ripped through it. She sensed danger from behind and she spun, drawing her sword and beheading the monster coming for her.

She was back in her military clothes and geared for battle, though she was glad she had not sent Walter to the hospital with Seras and Alucard. Besides herself, he was currently the best defense at home. Their troops were young and strong, but inexperienced. Even new, useless vampires would prove a match for them.

And these vampires were not useless. They had been trained, pushed to perfecting in the mass quantities by a hidden enemy, lurking away and laughing in the shadows. Not that any of these 'perfected' beasts could match Hellsing's own. Save for the fact that their beast wasn't here...

"Damn! Walter! Order our remaining troops inside! We're easy pickings out here on the grounds!" Integra watched Walter redirect her orders and then she began to retreat herself. A few Freaks had undoubtably made it further inside by now, she could hear rapid gunfire from within the house.

More Freaks slowed her progress. Between her sword and rifle, they were quickly mowed down. It was the Freaks' only weakness. Their over confidence. They were vampires, one of the greatest ancient monsters of lore. But they obviously had forgotten the single rule in the tales. **'_It takes a man to defeat a monster.'_** These Freaks were faster than humans, stronger. Most could even dodge bullets at long range, but up close and personal, this was the human's time to shine.

A bayonet was thrust at Integra, she parried swiping the blow aside. Counter attacking, she cut at the Freaks legs, severing one at the knee. The enemy soldier cried out and fell but it was not over. The fallen enemy still lunged at her, Integra jammed her rifle in its throat and pulled the trigger.

She was breathing heavily now, the fighting was starting to wear on her. It had begun almost at the same time as the one at the hospital. Milennium was cunning, and effectively drew their forces away without notice until too late. It would be at least fifteen minutes until reenforcements arrived, and even then they would be going at top speed.

Integra was surrounded by five more Freaks. They lunged at her at once. Being too many to parry, she rolled away but was caught in the thigh by one of their bayonets. She did not cry out however. Years of training, to be a proper Hellsing, refused to let her show weakness. Mentally she acknowledged the damage to her leg and then thrust the burning pain away.

Continuing to roll, she landed on her back and fired with her gun from hat vantage. One Freak was put down, but the other four leapt at her. As if in slow motion she could see their bodies flying through the air toward her. Hellsing's never gave up, but they knew their limits exactly. She couldn't take them all out. It was over. But she did not close her eyes and resign herself to death.

She raised her gun, determined to keep fighting. But suddenly, the Freaks were gone. Their bodies fell to the ground, torn, bloody and most positively dead. Walter was hurrying to her side. Drawing his wires back to him. Once again, the old butler had come through for her.

"Sir Integra! Are you alright?"

* * *

From one hundred miles away, a silver haired man watched as the butler escorted his mistress into the Hellsing mansion. "A man with enough courage to stare Death in the face." He murmured. Then smiled. "Or woman. Lady Integra, Walter is my gift to you." Then, still smiling, the man vanished, returning to whence he came.

* * *

Integra leaned panting against a wall. "We must get that leg of yours fixed up quickly Sir Integra. The wound seems deep." Walter said with concern, eyeing the bloody gash. Integra batted him away.

"My leg will hold for the time being Walter. Right now we should still be focused on the troops and the fight at hand. The troops will be needing our help." Integra said, wincing and grunting as she pushed herself off the wall and added weight to her leg.

"You have done your part for the troops Madam." Walter said just as a group of seven new Freaks burst into the mansion. Walter pulled on his gloves and let the wires fall. "Now, it is time for me to do mine."

The abominations laughed at him. "Stupid old man! Milennium's forces march on! You can't protect that wench! You're heart will give way if you even tried!" One said. They all laughed harder.

Walter allowed himself a faint smile. "They say, with age comes experience. I have spent most of my life fighting monsters and the like. Come young ones. I shall show you what I have learned."

"You obviously feel like dying today old man!" the Freaks rushed the ancient butler though they never made it to their target. In a blinding flash and a little twitching of the fingers, Walters death-wire did not so much tear through the Freaks, that was too uncivilized. It cleanly cut them into several pieces that littered the floor.

"Come Sir Integra. This hallway is not he best suited for your defense." Putting Integra's arm about his neck, Walter supported most of the Hellsing's weight as he led her to the Grand Hall where he knew the defenses would be at their peak.

* * *

Back in the convoy, Seras caught the faint scent of blood and knew something was wrong. Hellsing was in trouble, and with Alucard still out of whack. The role to protect the noble family fell to her. She ordered the driver to step on it. She wasn't going to let Alucard down. Maybe when he was back to normal, he would be proud.

Or maybe not.

* * *

Review. 


	14. Lockdown

The vampire Alucard was sprawled on his back on the steps of the battle-shaken hospital. One hand was tucked beneath his head, and the other hand was stretched out in front of him, as if holding up the entire night sky.

A few Hellsing troops were bustling around near and in the hospital, explaining the situation, damage assessment, calming old people in those flimsy hospital gowns that let their old wrinkly butts show. Alucard's eyebrow twitched slightly at the thought, but soon the image faded from his mind as the current view grasped him again. The bright night sky...and his hand.

He heard the news from a soldier's walkie-talkie radio within the hospital. So Hellsing was under attack. _'What a bother.'_ Alucard heard the immediate change in footstep patterns as the soldiers became alert and began to assemble.

Quick footsteps echoed in the vampire's ears as a young soldier ran up to him. "Alucard, Sir!" The soldier saluted. Alucard knew this, even though he was not looking at the boy. Why? Cause that's just what soldiers do when faced with a _usually_ half-crazed vampire. "Hellsing HQ is under attack! We are to report immediately to the grounds!" Alucard didn't move.

The young soldier faltered. "Er, sir, don't you have anything to say on the matter at all?" Alucard blinked, and said nothing for a few seconds before responding.

"Hmm...I have six fingers..."

* * *

Seras and the troops were approaching the front gates at high speed, and what they saw astounded them: The Front Gates were locked.

The convoy braked hard as several of the soldiers swore, Seras included. _'All this is going on, and the entrance is locked? Who the hell planned _**that**_ one out!_' From the back of the truck, Seras could hear several truck doors open and slam. Male voices were easily heard after that.

"Hey! What's the hold up?"

"What the hell is going on!"

"Ze fronte gate! C'est locked!" Pip.

"Locked?"

"What the bloody hell–? Who the hell locks the gates at a battle!"

"Can somebody tell me why in the world we work for this broad again?"

"Alright! Alright! Everybody! Juste shut-up! Ah've found ze keypad!" A large explosion on the main grounds rocked Seras and the soldiers even in their seats. Pip swore something unintelligible in French. "So 'ou knows ze damned password already!"

The men instantly became silent. "Uh...We dunno boss."

"You don' know! Zen how are we supposed to get in zen!" The men went quiet again. "O'mai god...what vould ze mistress call you right now...? Ah! I know. Bloody imbeciles the lot of you!"

A new voice appeared. "Uhm, guys? What's going on?"

"Who said that?"

"Show yourselves!" Seras heard a great deal of rustling as the soldiers moved around outside, searching for the new arrival.

"Gah! I can't see anything out here!"

"Who touched me!"

"Wasn't me!"

"And it damn well wasn't me!"

Pip could be heard swearing again."Morons! Pull out your flashlights! Flashlights everybody right now!" More silence from the soldiers.

"Oh. Duh."

"Wow..."

"Have we seriously been standing out here arguing in the dark all this time?"

"Dude I think we should retire. We suck."

"Yeah."

"We suck so bad man."

"...Yeah."

"Oh, you guys shouldn't put yourselves down like that! Think positively!"

"Oh GOD! Seriously who said that!" Rustle, rustle...

" I mean it man! The next person who touches me is going to get a bullet to the face!"

There was a click as somebody finally turned on a flashlight. "'Oly Shi–! Why ist a gun in my face! Put that thing away soldier!"

"Dude!"

"Man, why the bloody hell are you always ready to shoot somebody?"

"...I'm afraid of the dark..."

...Collective group sigh. "Me too." They said in unison. Seras' eye twitched and she began banging the back of her head against her seat.

"Why would you join a vampire-hunting army!"

"Well..why would you!"

"Hey! Let's start with Mr. I'm-going-to-shoot-everybody-who-touches-me-first!"

"...I'm just a really lonely guy...I thought...I thought the status would help me get a girl..."

...Collective sigh. Seras guessed what was coming. "Me too." In unison.

"Jesus Christ, my troops are idiots. Why Jesus? Why 'ave you curzed me zis way?"

"Uhm...shouldn't we be helping out inside right now?" A scream. "Ow guys! Get the light out of my eyes! That really hurts!"

"Ah but of course! Johnny! I should 'ave figured it was you. Johnny! Vat did I tell you about sneaking up on the company!"

"But sir--"

"No bots Johnny. This is the last time I'm going to warn you. Now get back inside."

"But, but...Sir–!"

"Johnny Get back inside!"

"I know the password sir!"

"Well why the hell didn't you say so! Put it in already!"

With her advanced hearing, Seras heard Johnny press the keys on the pad rapidly. Nothing happened.

"Did it work?"

"Are we inside yet?"

"Oh...right."

"Dumb-ass."

"Argh! Put it in again Johnny!" Pip ordered. Johnny redid the password. Nothing!

"Uhm...I, I don't know what's wrong sir!" Pip swore. Loudly.

"Ah've found it. She fyuking pad-locked ze gate..."

Collective moans of recognition. "Oh!"

"Well that just explains **_everything_**!"

"Well then let's go!"

Another explosion rocked them all. "...Ou 'as ze key?"

Seras had had enough as she screamed and ripped off her seat belt. She jumped off of the truck walked up to the gate and blasted the lock to high heaven with her Harkonnen.

The mangled gates swung backward. "The gates are open." She said breathing through her teeth. Then she strode into the darkness to search for Walter and Integra. The troops had yet to move and stared off after her.

"Dude, why didn't we think of that?"

"Because we suck."

"...Yeah..."

"We're going to die."

"...Probably."

"I hate this job."

Collective sigh.

* * *

Two hidden Freak soldiers watched as the girl blew the head off of on of there oncoming Freak comrades as she stomped her way towards the mansion. "Bunch of blooming idiots." They could hear her hiss angrily.

Another vampire stepped up to her. "I suggest you get the HELL out of my way! I'm having a bit of a bad moment right now!"

The Freaks' comrade laughed at the little girl. "You can easily make your suffering go away! Simply die!" The vampire launched itself at her. What the observers saw next was one of **_the_** most violent and gruesome scenes in all of their unnaturally long war-driven lives.

When they would later describe it to their commander, they would only be able to saw a few choice words, such as; screaming, ripped, jaw, bayonet, and anus. Then they would leave their commander with his imagination at full throttle. And _still_ it would not be gruesome enough. Oh and the word blood. There was definately blood. Lots and lots of blood.

When she was finished, the girl let loose a satisfied sigh and moved onward, not knowing that the two Freaks had seen her.

"Mike..." Said Freak #1.

"Yeah?" Said Mike.

"That's the one you wanted to kill before right?"

"Screw that."

"Yeah."

"Now would be a good time to leave." Mike just nodded.

* * *

I'm sorry this took so long guys. But I hope you can look back on this chapter and forgive me. Don't forget to review! 


	15. Fingers

I was gone. I'm not sure where I am now...probably in the condensed mass of space between "gone" and "back". But here is something nonetheless. Oh and where the hell did 99 reviews come from?! Thanks guys. I feel loved.

* * *

After blowing off her frustration when rescuing Integra and Walter from a sticky situation, Seras thought back to half-an-hour prior when she had met a rather unfortunate Freak soldier who happened to stand in her way. Reason having been returned to her, she must admit she _might_ have over-reacted just a bit. Seras winced as she remembered what she did with the enemy's rifle. Okay. She had **_definately _**over-reacted. Perhaps her Master's ways were beginning to rub off on her.

'_Oh Master...where are you now, I wonder...'_ Not that it really mattered much anymore, the battle was just about over now. The mansion had already been successfully swept and cleansed of any Freaks, and the ones on the grounds were showing signs of retreat.

This left Seras with enough room to sit down and take a breather. They were all in the Grand hall, which contained a decent number of wounded soldiers, though not as much as she had expected. Lady Integra and Walter themselves were been tended to by an on-hand medic.

Lady Integra's wound was easily noticeable; a large gash across her thigh. The medic was stitching it nicely but she would still probably have a scar. Walter wasn't in as bad shape, bloody-wound wise, though he was sweating profusely and seemed a little unable to catch his breath.

Hellsing noticed this and promptly ordered him to remove his vest and rest. Walter nodded and complied, unbottoning his vest and laying it on the floor. Seras immediately saw Walter's problem. The vest was lined with Kevlar, and it looked as though Walter had taken more than one bullet to the chest that evening. It was a miracle the old man was still alive.

Lady Hellsing muttered something under her breath. Seras' enhanced hearing only barely caught the tone of her voice."What was that sir?" Sears asked her Master's Mistress.

"I'm going to kill him." Repeated Integra, loud enough to be heard clearly this time. "I'm going to absolutely kill him!" Integra raged. She was suddenly on her feet and her sword had apparently materialized in her hand.

"I'm going to grab hold of his throat, put my pistol to his head and empty my magazine!" Seras figured it would not take more than two guesses to find who Integra was yelling about. "I'm going to plunge my hand into his chest, rip out his heart, then feast on it for my dinner!" Integra continued, now looking a bit crazed.

"I'm going to throw him in chains, and have him suspended from the ceiling! Then! I'm going to put on a god-damned blindfold and take this-" Integra said, brandishing her sword dangerously, "and start swinging on that little pinata!" Integra released half of an extremely disconcerting cackle before catching herself and regaining some of her composure. "Do you her me?! ALUCARD!"

"You rang?" asked the ancient vampire who had shown up at her side. Integra whirled on him, looking very much like a wolverine with down-syndrome that had just contracted rabies would whirl on its own prey. Seras could tell this wasn't going to be pretty. She got up to move toward the exit of the hall, before she noticed that Walter was already in the doorway and still retreating.

"Miss Seras! It is my, er, sworn duty to...ahem...check all the troops individually after a battle! Do see that Lady Integra has everything she needs!" With that, the wise old man sped off to places unknown.

Seras found herself wishing several manners of death upon Walter. Then the screaming started.

"Where the BLOODY HELL where you?!" Integra screeched. Indeed. Screeched. Her voice had reached an all-time high. Seras and her enhanced hearing feared her ears would begin to bleed.

"I was watching over and protecting my sworn master, the head of the Hellsing family-" Alucard began slowly, with a yawn.

"Don't you dare give me that 'sworn master' bullshit, demon! Our base of operations, Hellsing mansion, _MY_ _home_ was under attack! Those damn FREAKS had the nerve to come onto my doorsteps and try to ruin everything my family has been building for generations! And YOU my servant, my trash-man. You were nowhere in sight! I myself was almost killed tonight! Explain yourself!"

"Oh I was here, Master." yawned Alucard. A vein pulsed in Integra neck. "Or at least, I was watching intently. I was sooo ready to jump in and save you when those Freaks attacked...buuuutttttt, Walter seemed to have handled it quite nicely." Alucrad finished with a toothy smile.

It took all of the amount of time for an eyelid to twitch for Integra to whip out her pistol and have it jammed firmly against Alucard's skull. "You have three f&king seconds, Alucard. Three seconds to give me one good reason why the hell you were off sitting on your ass when we needed you before I pull this trigger and put your brains on display. So give me the reason. Have you anything to say for yourself?!"

Alucard stared down the barrel of the gun lodged against his head at the woman whom he called Master. He seemed to contemplate the question before him for a moment before opening his mouth to give his answer. Seras prayed that it was a good one. She knew she would be disappointed.

"I have found out something of great importance while I was not here, Master."

"Oh?" said Integra, whose gun seemed to cock itself.

"I do not, as I had at one point thought during the night, have six fingers. But only the usual five. See?" Alucard held up his hand to show his five digits. " A relief, no?"

Integra pulled the trigger.

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